Joke of day ...
 

I'm gonna try and come here and post a dumb joke each day .. feel free to join in.

========================


A truck full of women is driving down a road. A man is driving down the same road from the opposite direction.


As they pass each other, the man leans out the window and yells " PIGS !! "





The woman driver immediately leans out her window and yells "JERK!!"




They each continue on their way, and as the truck full of women rounds the next curve they crashe into a huge pile of pigs in the middle of the road.

[IMG]local://upfiles/3799/6584D77FD8094830920DE1BACB0C1241.jpg[/IMG][IMG]local://upfiles/3799/F3188414A441492E8D1BE6B189C18ECA.jpg[/IMG]





.

RE: Joke of day ...
 

What do you call three lawyers sky diving? SKEET!

RE: Joke of day ... Massachusetts
 

You Know You're From Massachusetts If ...

Other states are boring! Massachusetts residents are completely unique, with their own way of looking at the world.




You know you're from Massachusetts if ...

* You compare with friends what Boston was like pre-Big-Dig and post-Big-Dig. * You understand why they call it Taxachusetts. * You've ever made a run to New Hampshire to get alcohol without sales tax.










[IMG]local://upfiles/3799/F8A2A8AD45D44216B85kk4ABD42C663A25.jpg[/IMG]

RE: Joke of day ... hillbilly
 

Two Indians and a Hillbilly were walking in the
woods. All of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill
to the mouth of a small cave.

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' he called into the
cave and then he listened very closely until he heard
an answering, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' He tore
off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Hillbilly was puzzled and asked the other
Indian what that was all about. Was the other Indian
crazy or what?

'No,' said the Indian. 'It is our custom during
mating season. When Indian men see cave, they
holler, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening.
If they get an answer back, it means there is a girl
there waiting to mate.'

Just then they saw another cave. The Indian ran
up to the opening of the cave, stopped, and
hollered, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Immediately,
there was an answering 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!'
from deep inside the cave. He tore off his clothes and
ran into the cave.

The Hillbilly wandered around in the woods alone
for a while, and then he came upon a great big cave.
As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge
opening, he was thinking, 'Hoo, man! Look at the size
of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found.
There must be some really big, fine women in this
cave!'

So, he stood in front of the opening and hollered
with all his might 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' He
grinned and closed his eyes in anticipation, and then
he heard the answering call, 'WOOOOOOOOO!
WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!'

With a gleam in his eyes and smile on his face, he
raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.




The following day, the headline of the Local Newspaper read -

"NAKED HILLBILLY RUN OVER BY FREIGHT TRAIN"







.

RE: Joke of day ... rolls royce
 

an old classic ..

=================

A businessman walked into a New York City bank and asked for the loan officer. He said he was going to Europe on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $15,000. The loan officer said the bank would need some security for such a loan.

The business man then handed over the keys to a Rolls Royce that was parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checked out and the loan officer accepted the car as collateral for the loan. An employee then drove the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parked it there.

Two weeks later the businessman returned, repaid the $15,000 and the interest which came to $45.48.

The loan officer said, "We do appreciate your business and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a bit puzzled. While you were away we checked and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why you would bother to borrow $15,000?"

The business man replied: "Where else in New York City can I park my car in a guarded and secured parking lot for two weeks for under $20 per day ?"

RE: Joke of day ... rolls royce
 

HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR: 2029


Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions.

Due to increased levels of UV, the Feds set the minimum SPF of suncreen sold to be 175 with an increased UV-B range of 895 to 1200 nm .. up from the old 390–650 nm set in 2010.

Battery acid from electric cars is reported to have polluted another 3.7 cubic-miles of water tables in Asia.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.

Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped. ID of mother kept a secret.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

The Pacific Ocean is declared a off-limits zone after the California Seal exhausts the food supply and turns to feeding on humans.

Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 11 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels. Mining companies extremely disappointed as they look forward to mining the glass laden sands.

X-Pres Jimmy Carter wins 2nd Nobel Peace Prize.

France pleads for UN help after being taken over by Jamaica. No one comes forward.

Osama bin Laden is elected for the 5th time to President of the Middle East Union, composed of what once was Bahrain, Egypt, Iran, Iraq, Israel, Jordan, Kuwait, Lebanon, Pakistan, Palestinian territories, Oman, Qatar, Saudi Arabia, Sudan, Syrian Arab Republic, United Arab Emirates, and Yemen.

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036 and claims to have the support of the Middle East Union.

North Korea: Kim Jong-il announces the opening of an additional 14,500 State sponsored brothels to keep up with foreign demand that has far exceeded the current 3,287 licensed brothels. Unemployment is expected to drop to an all time low of 31 percent.

China announces a new State lottery. One in 1,300 will win a chance to get their implanted birth control devises deactivated.

Japan: Government outlaws the serving if seafood in restaurants and turns to other methods for proteins. People reported to be raising record numbers of sharks in home aquariums.

US Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail deliveries to twice a week. Mail pick up at the Post Office is expanded and can now be done 5 days per week, Sat to Wed, 11am to 2pm.

29-year study completed, costing $175.8 billion: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of Americans drops from 268 lbs to 253 lbs.

Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year.

South American coffee crops fails for the 7th year in a row, due to Global cooling, coffee beans are now $364 / lb.

Senate still blocking drilling, barrel of oil is now $753.

Congress increases gasoline allotment to 3 gallons per week, per car. Car sales booming.

Permits to grow corn in back yards soar. Municipalities investigating ways to tax the fuel made in back yards.

Automotive SMOG testing is eased to only 3 times per year. Cars older than 2 years must continue the usual 6 SMOG tests per year routine.

Average height of NBA players is now Eight feet, three inches. Hoops raised to 15 ft.

Federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, water guns, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2030 .

IRS lowers tax rate to 76 percent, minimum tax increases from 53 percent to 67 percent.

Mick Jagger and the Rolling Stones sell out last weekend's performance after the Daytona NASCAR. Ambulance and doctors discretely monitor the performers from behind the stage.

The 2029 Cadillac CTS-V breaks new track speed record at Daytona, running the straights at 322 mph.




.

RE: Joke of day ... rolls royce
 

A young boy is walkin down a dirt road with a roll of tape in his hand, when he passes a farm house where an old farmer is sittin on the porch. The farmer yells out,"where you goin with that tape boy"? The boy replies " this ain't no ordinary tape, this here is "duck" tape and I am gonna catch me some ducks with it." The farmer yells back, you can't catch ducks with "duck" tape. About an hour later the farmer is amazed when the boy comes back up the road draggin a half dozen ducks behind him all tangled up in his "duck " tape. A week later the boy comes down the road again draggin some wire behind him when the farmer yells out, " hey boy, where you goin with that wire?" The boys replies, " this ain't no ordinary wire, this here is chicken wire and I am gonna catch me some chickens with it." The farmer yells back, " you can't catch chickens with chicken wire." About an hour later the farmer is again amazed as the boy comes up the road draggin a half dozen chickens behind him all tangled up in the wire. A week later the boy is coming down the same road swinging a stick when the farmer yells out, " hey boy, where you goin with that stick?" The boy replies, " this here ain't no ordinary stick, this here is a piece of pussy willow." The farmer jumped up and yelled back, "Hold on a minute boy while I grab my hat."

RE: Joke of day ... a Fifth of Scotch
 

Mother and Daughter -
"Mommy, how did you and Daddy meet?"
"Well, I whacked his Dyngus with my pussy willow, and..."
"No, no, not where I came from, how did you two met!"

======

NEWS Bulletin ( Manhatan) -
"Governor Spitzer will hold a press conference at 9:00 a.m. to discuss the serious pussy willow crisis facing the people of New York. "As a well known expert on all things about pussy willows, I am sure that I can handle this crisis" the Governor said today from behind the sandbags and ****** wire surrounding his Fifth Avenue apartment building where he has been consulting with his wife and a battalion of lawyers about just how much of his knowledge about pussy willows he should share with the public."

====

NEWS BULLETIN ( BUFFALO) -
"WalMart has pulled all pussy willows and dynguses from its nursery shelves after complaints from a local concerned mother. Or maybe it was a concerned local mother. Early reports are unclear on that point."




================


18 holes = one bottle

[align=center]

https://www.cadillacforum.com/upfile...01AB8CD686.jpg

.
[/align]

RE: Joke of day ... a Fifth of Scotch
 

A large bank in Chicago advertises in the paper to fill a position for a loan officer , and a Mexican immigrant comes in and applies for the job. The hiring manager does't want to hire him because if his poor English but can't refuse him for that because it would be discrimination. So, the hiring manager tells him that if he can pass a test consisting of 3 questions , that the job was his. He handed the man a piece of paper and told him to represent the number 9 using drawings but no numbers. The man draws a picture of 3 trees and hands it back. The hiring manager asks him what this means and the man replies " Tree plus Tree plus Tree equals 9." The hiring manager then tells him to represent the number 99 in the same way. The man takes the paper back and shades in the tops of the trees and hands it back. The hiring manager asks what this means and the man replies, " Dirt on Trees; Dirty Tree, plus Dirty Tree, plus Dirty Tree , equals 99." The hiring manager becomes agitated thinking that this guy is trying to outsmart him. He thinks for a minute then tells the man to represent the number 100 in his drawing. The man draws 3 small lines under each tree and hands it back. The hiring manager looks at it , and thinking it makes no sense figures that he outsmarted the man now and asks him what it means. The man replied; " Dog pooped under trees; Dirty Tree and a Turd, plus Dirty Tree and a Turd, plus Dirty Tree and a Turd, = 100. " "WHEN DO I START"

RE: Joke of day ... bank joke
 

A little old lady goes into the Manhattan Bank and says she wants to open a savings account. The account person asks her how much she would like to deposit to open the account, and the little old lady says, "Three million dollars."

The account person is startled, and says, "In what form?" and the little old lady says, "Cash. I've got it here in this bag." The account person looks and, sure enough, the lady has a big grocery bag chock full of green bills with big denominations.

This is a highly unusual event, and the account person excuses herself to get the president of the bank to handle this one. He arrives, and escorts the little old lady to his office to handle it personally.

Once in his office, he asks the little old lady where she got so much money.

She says, "Gambling."

"Gambling?" he says. "What sort of gambling?"

"Oh, I make bets with people on all sorts of things, and I usually win. For example, I've got one hundred thousand dollars right here that says by noon tomorrow, your balls will be square, and I'll even give you four to one odds. You got twenty five thousand dollars you'd be willing to wager on that?" she asks.

The bank president is shocked at this sort of thing coming from a sweet little old lady, but he didn't get to be the president of the Manhattan Bank without knowing something about money. "I suppose I could come up with enough to cover that sort of wager, but I wouldn't feel right taking it from you. There's no way you can win a bet like that!"

The little old lady just shakes the bag, and says, "I know what I'm doing. I can afford to lose, though I'm not going to. Is it a bet?"

"Okay, have it your way," says the president, and they shook hands on it.

"See you at eleven-fifty-five tomorrow morning," says the little old lady, and with that she leaves.

The next morning at 11:55, the little old lady arrives with a younger man in a three-piece suit, and is escorted to the bank president's office. The president is a nervous wreck, though a happy one. He's gotten almost no sleep last night, waking every few minutes to feel his balls to check for impending squareness, but nothing happened all night. He has checked hundreds of times that morning, but still nothing.

When the little old lady arrives, he starts to relax, knowing he has won.

"Come in, please have a seat! Who might this gentleman be?" says the president.

"He's my lawyer. For a bet of this size I want to have a witness. Any objections?"

"No, perfectly understandable," says the president. "Well, it's now noon, and I'm still unchanged, so I guess I win!"

"Not so fast!" says the little old lady. "For a hundred grand I want to verify things personally! Please drop your pants."

The bank president is a bit flustered, but understands that there must be proof to collect the bet, so he drops his pants. The little old lady goes over to him and reaches out to feel the organs in question.

"Okay, you win, here's your hundred grand," says the little old lady, handing over a bag of bills. As she does so, her lawyer starts banging his head against the wall and moaning.

"What's wrong with him?" asks the bank president.

"Oh, he's just upset. Poor loser if you ask me. You see, we had a $500 grand bet that I would have the President of the Manhattan Bank balls on my hands by noon today."

RE: Joke of day ... office joke
 

RE: Joke of day ... office joke
 

The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University .

Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake. The average person over 30 years of age cannot do it!



1. This is this cat.
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4. This is to cat.
5. This is keep cat.
6. This is an cat.
7. This is old cat.
8. This is fart cat.
9. This is busy cat.
10. This is for cat.
11. This is forty cat.
12. This is seconds cat.

Now go back and read the third word in each line ! from the top down...

RE: Joke of day ... TARZAN
 

As Tarzan grew up in the jungle, he observed many of the animals getting together during " mating season" and wondered what it was like, so , one day, he SWUNG into the nearest town and wandered around till he found a brothel. He went in and asked the Madam if he could "mate" with one of her girls. The Madam asked him if he had ever done this before and he replied " NO." She told him to go back to the jungle and find a tree with a hole in it and to practice until he thought he was ready. A few weeks later Tarzan returned to the brothel and spoke to the Madam again . She figured that since he must have been 'practicing' for 3 weeks he was ready and took him up to the room of a very shapely young girl. About a minute later the Madam heard the young girl screaming wildly like she was in pain and ran up to the room to find Tarzan poking her wildly between the legs with a broomstick , and yelled out " Tarzan what are you doing?" He replied " CHECKING FOR BEES ".

RE: Joke of day ...
 

The head Nun of the convent called all 100 Nuns into the foyer for an emergency meeting.

"Last night," She started "I found something terrible in one of the sisters rooms."
99 Nuns "Oh no"
1 Nun "He, he"

"A condom!" said the head Nun.
99 Nuns "Oh no"
1 Nun "He, he"

Head Nun "And it was used!"
99 Nuns "Oh no"
1 Nun "He, he"

Head Nun "And it had a hole in it!"
1 Nun "Oh no"
99 Nuns "He, he"

.

RE: Joke of day ...confessions
 

A Jewish Rabbi moves into a new neighborhood, and happens to move next door to a
Catholic Priest. They become friends, and one day the Rabbi tells the Priest that he
doesn't really understand the Catholic religion, most notably the 'confessions'. The
Priest tells him to come to the Church some evening and he will get an idea of what
it is all about , and the Rabbi agrees.

A few days later the Rabbi goes to the church and squeezes in the the booth with
the Priest to hear confessions.
A young lady comes in and says " forgive me Father for I have sinned" , and the Priest
asked her what she had done. She replied that she had commited adultery 3 times
this month and asked the Priest what she should do. He replied that she go back out
and recite 10 Hail Mary's and 10 Our Father's , and put $5.00 in the collection plate.

A few minutes later another young lady comes in and says, ' forgive me Father for I
have sinned' , and he asked her what she had done. She replied that she had comitted
adultrey 3 times this month and asked the Priest what she should do. He replied that
she go back out and recite 10 Hail Mary's and 10 Our Father's and put $5.00 in the
collection plate.

A short time later an alter boy came to the booth to inform the Priest that he had a
very important phone call from the Bishop. The Priest asked the Rabbi if he would sit in
for him while he took the call and the Rabbi agreed.

A few minutes later a young lady came into the booth and said " please forgive me
Father for I have sinned" and the Rabbi asked her what she had done. She replied
that she had commited adultrey 2 times this month and asked what she should do.

The Rabbi replied, " You might as well go out and enjoy yourself 1 more time since
they're 3 for $5.00 this month...

RE: Joke of day ...confessions
 

Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?











.. down down some more ...
























almost there ....











.

A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering
.


.

RE: Joke of day ..."this, my boy is a latest Cadillac STS-V"
 

A man and his wife were driving through the country side coast to coast. Looking at his fuel gauge, he decided to stop at the next service station and fill up. About 15 minutes later, he spots a gas station and pulls over to the pump.

"What can I do for ya'll?" asks the attendant. "Fill 'her up," replies the driver. While the attendant is filling up the tank, he's looking the car up and down.

"What kind of car is this?" he asks. "I never seen one like it before." "Well," responds the driver, his chest swelling up with pride, "this, my boy is a latest Cadillac STS-V"

"What all's it got in it?" asks the attendant.

"Well," says the driver, "it has everything. It's loaded with power steering, power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, Navigation system, DVD/CD/MP3/AM/FM with 400 watts per channel, 18 speaker stereo, rack and pinion steering, disk brakes all around, leather interior, digital instrument package, and best of all, a Super charged V8 engine with like 500 hp."

"Wow," says the attendant, "that's really something!"

"How much do I owe you for the gasoline?" asks the driver.

"That'll be $80.17," says the attendant. The driver pulls out his money clip and peels off four $20 bills. He goes into his other pocket and pulls out a handful of change. Mixed up with the change are a few golf tees.

"What are those little wooden things?" asks the attendant.

"That's what I put my balls on when I drive," says the motorist.

"Wow," says the attendant, "those Cadillac people think of everything!"



.

RE: Joke of day ...
 

A lady in her late 40's went to a plastic surgeon for a face lift.
The doctor told her of a new procedure called "The dial" where a
small dial is planted on the back of the head and can be turned to
tighten up the skin to produce the effect of a facelift when things
get droppy.

Of course, the woman wanted The dial, had the surgery and all
was well.

Fifteen years later the woman went back to the surgeon. "All these
years everything had been working just fine.", she started, "I've
had to turn the dial on lots of occasions and I've loved the results.
But I seemed to have developed two annoying problems with my
face." "Go on" the doctor said. "First of all", she continued, "I've
got these terrible bags under my eyes and the dial won't get rid of
them."

The doctor looked at her and said, "I'm afraid those aren't bags,
those are your breasts."

She replied, "Ah, I guess that explains the goatee as well."

RE: Joke of day ... A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer
 

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were all given a red rubber ball and told to find the volume.

The mathematician went and fetched his calipers and carefully measured the diameter and evaluated a triple integral.

The physicist filled a beaker with water, put the ball in the water, and measured the total displacement and looked up the volume in the volume tables.

The engineer read the markings on the ball and typed it into Google finding the model statistics rubber-balls.

RE: Joke of day ... psychology
 

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar.

After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "NO! I won't sleep with you!"


Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, with many eyes following her, the woman walks over to him and whispers an apology. She smiles at him and whispers, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology, and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

He looks around and notices that people are still looking at them. He responds, at the top of his lungs, "What makes you think you are worth $500?"

RE: Joke of day ... Beans
 

A pretty young lady had a passion for baked beans, even though they had a very
'unlady' like effect on her. One day she met a great guy and hoped that they might
marry some day, but felt he would never put up with her 'bean fits'.

So she decided to make a big sacrifice and give up the beans. They dated for a couple of years, then got married.

One day, on her way home from work her car broke down, and since it was a nice day, and they lived in the country she decided to just walk home. She called her husband and told
him what happened, and that she would be late getting home.

On her way home she passed a small diner and just couldn't resist the smell of baked beans coming out the window. Since she still had several miles to walk, she figured she could
have some and still be able to walk off any ill effects before getting home. Before she
knew it she had consumed three plates of beans. She left the diner and began to ' putt-
putt ' all the way home. When she got home her husband seemed really excited to see her
and told her " Honey I have a surprise for you for dinner tonight".

He then blindfolded her and sat her down at the dinner table. A few minutes later as he was getting ready to remove the blindfold, the phone rang. He asked her to promise not to remove the blindfold until he returned, and she agreed. He then walked into the kitchen to answer
the phone. Suddenly she felt the baked beans start 'working' again and the pain was
getting unbearable. With her husband in the other room she figured she could lean to the side and try the ol 'one cheek sneak' , but it didn't work. Not only was it loud, but it smelled like
a skunk got run over by a garbage truck behind a pulpwood mill.She grabbed her napkin that was on her lap and began 'fanning the air' with it. With the pressure still building, she
leaned to the other cheek and 'ripped' three more that smelled like rotten cabbage.

Keeping an ear on the conversation in the other room, she continued to lean from side to side
letting them rip for a few more minutes. When the phone farewells signaled the end of the
call, she 'fanned the air' a few more times with her napkin, then placed it back in her lap
smiling contently to herself. She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned.
He apologized for taking so long and asked her if she had peeked and she told him that she
had not.

At this point he removed the blindfold and yelled "Surprise". And boy was she surprised.


There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table waiting to wish her a "Happy Birthday".

RE: Joke of day ... Beans
 

You know, .... I could "smell" this coming the whole way. I think it's time to throw in a "Quality" requirement in this category.
Also a "dated" stipulation should also be in order! (I don't mind a joke I've recently heard butany "ten years old?".)......Come on!!
(I guess I'm feeling "grouchy" this morning.)

RE: Joke of day ... Beans
 

Does ole fart ring a bell?

RE: Joke of day ... NHL
 

cabin fever ?

0 Fahrenheit (10 C)
New Yorkers try to turn on the heat.
Canadians plant gardens.



40 Fahrenheit (4.4 C)
Californians shiver uncontrollably
Canadians Sunbathe.


35 Fahrenheit (1.6 C)
Italian Cars won't start
Canadians drive with the windows down


32 Fahrenheit (0 C)
Distilled water freezes
Canadian water gets thicker.


0 Fahrenheit (-17.9 C)
New York City landlords finally turn on the heat.
Canadians have the last cookout of the season.


-40 Fahrenheit (-40 C)
Hollywood disintegrates.
Canadians rent some videos.


-60 Fahrenheit (-51 C)
Mt. St. Helen's freezes.
Canadian Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door.


-100 Fahrenheit (-73 C)
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole
Canadians pull down their earflaps.


-173 Fahrenheit (-114 C)
Ethyl alcohol freezes.
Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.


-459.4 Fahrenheit (-273 C)
Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops.
Canadians start saying "cold, eh? "


-500 Fahrenheit (-295 C)
Hell freezes over.
The Leafs win the Cup

RE: Joke of day ... Beans
 

Now see there! It is still possible!

RE: Joke of day ... NHL
 

ok .. you made me wonder ..


"The franchise has won thirteen Stanley Cups, eleven as the Leafs, one as the Toronto St. Patricks, and one as the Toronto Arenas. Valued at $413 million (2007), the Leafs are the most valuable team in the NHL, followed by the New York Rangers and the Detroit Red Wings."


===========


A hockey coach walked into the locker room before a big game, looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we really need you in there. So, what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play."

The player agreed, so the coach looked into his eyes intently and asked "Okay, now concentrate hard and tell me the answer to this: What is two plus two?" The player thought for a moment and then answered, "4?" "Did you say 4?!" the coach exclaimed, excited that he had given the right answer.

Suddenly, all the other players on the team began screaming, "Come on coach, give him another chance!"


===================


Bobby Orr walks into an ice cream parlor.

With some discomfort, he slides onto a stool and orders a banana spit.

The waitress asks, "Crushed nuts?"

He replies, "No, bad knees."


........

RE: Joke of day ... NHL
 

Hummmm, it seems that some people didn't care for my old farts jokes. No problem, I won't post any more here . Goodbye... But, Stompers thread said Dumb jokes, NOT Quality jokes...

RE: Joke of day ... NHL
 

Please don't "give up" account of one "stupid" remark. It isn't "that easy" and that's why the first statement "I'm gunna try."
What I believe we are looking for on this thread and it's darn commendable, are those jokes that when read, you just can't wait to "pass them on!"
Johhny Carson once remarked, a really good joke is the most difficult thing in the world to come up with. Especially now with the internet. At one time a joke told in a comedy club could be used for many performances before he found people in different parts of the country laughing at some of his stories before "the punch line."
He finally found the "culprits" and disliked airline crews for years, both Flight Attendents, and pilots for making his job harder. He finally found out how a story told on Monday in L. A. was all over the mid-west and east coast by Tuesday morning.
Now with the inter-net, and television, "forget it."
The "gems" are still "out there" David Letterman and Jay Leno continually come out with them, but it really is costing them. Years ago "Saturday Night Live" could be counted on for some "gems.." Today, it can't be done.
But "come on," every once in a while, you get "caught" and a smile pops up when you hear something really "clever." Please post it here!

RE: Joke of day ... NHL
 

Zin
Brings back memories of the Park Burlesque theater in Y-Town around 1964 when we got in underage and sat thru the first set and heard the punch lines and sat thru the second set (obviously we were fans of comedy) and yelled the punch lines before the comics could. Pissed off comedians ouch! The other entertainment so so good I think we stayed for both full shows!

RE: Joke of day ... twin sisters just turning one hundred years
 

Jerry,

zinzin ( hyperion ) is fine .. that is part of the game intended .. we goes back to the OLDDDDDD days .. he rolls with it like the best and often brings fun to the topic .. let it rip some more .. also try some C-nile jokes or airline pilot jokes .

now, for a naughty but under the wire joke ...


=================


There were these twin sisters just turning one hundred years old in St. Nursing Home and the editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take the pictures of these 100 year old twin biddies.
One of the twins was hard of hearing but the other could hear quite well.

The photographer asked them to sit on the sofa.

The deaf one said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!", said the other.

"Now get a little closer together", said the cameraman.

Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE".
So, they wiggled up close to each other.

"Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the photographer.

Yet again - "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOC..US!"

With a big grin the deaf twin whispered out,
"OH MY GOD - BOTH OF US?

RE: Joke of day ... NHL
 

Saying goodbye is not allowed. I for one am very passionate about my beans. I will eat them before every poker game, and when I feel someone has the edge, I will make that person very uncomfortable by gassing and wiffing towards the opponent.
Saying I won't post anymore is not allowed.
Rehashed jokes can evoke memories and those jokes can then be passed on to the younger neices and nephews. Keep em comming.

RE: Joke of day ... NHL
 

hey, we may go camping this weekend .. and if we do, i assure you, that while grilling marshmallows, there will be a competition of body noises, farts to be just one of such. There are extra points for the scent factor!

we used to do competitions of who could pee the farthest, but some political correctness people got into the rules and it aint allowed anymore .. dang .. i hate that .. three kinds of people should never take kids camping: ministers/priests, mothers of little kids, executives. For some awful bad reason, they think they know better and spend the whole time "trying" to control everything. I should mention that mothers of grown kids seem to have learned to chill a lot.

RE: Joke of day ... American Airlines - AA
 

A mother and her 6 year old son were flying AA from Los Angeles to Chicago.

The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, do big planes have baby planes?"

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess so the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, do big planes have baby planes?"

The stewardess feeling being put on the spot, responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"

The boy admitted that this was the case. "Well, then, there are no baby planes because AA always pulls out on time. Your mother can explain that part to you."


=========================


Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day.

During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it.

After an extremely hard landing, severely bouncing the plane on the asphalt, the Flight Attendant said:
"Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while Captain Kangaroo taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline."

He did that, in light of his bad landing, but he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.

Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane.She said: "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?"

"Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?".

The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"





.

RE: Joke of day ... twin sisters just turning one hundred years
 

Bill, my dad taught me a "neat trick" (dirty) to play on on the brass bands that played outdoor concerts at Golden Gate Park every weekend. Seems if you sit in the front row, cut a lemon in half and "suck" on it with the usual facial expressions all the Brass players will "lose their lips" and it's amazing what comes out!
AH, burlesque! Don't know if you have ever heard of "The Old Howard" in Boston. Ask any sailor who served in The Civil War, WW1 or WW2.
Anyway, when it was torn down in the fifties to make room for the new government center my next door neighbor who worked in the area saw the original dated cornerstone lying in a heap of rubble curbside, and asked one of the workmen what was going to be done with it. "Thrown away" (didn't happen, it is now the conversation piece in town and adorns the entrance to his flower garden.

RE: Joke of day ... twin sisters just turning one hundred years
 

OK, ...some good and some bad, but all definately, " old."
.
.But here's an example of what I was speaking about. ..This was sent to ,me today by (carnut) and I think he should have posted it here.
.
.
.I was walking past the Mental Hospital the other day and all the patients were shouting "13....13.....13"
.
.The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on......Some creep poked me in the eye with a stick.....They all started shouting ..."14.....14....14"
.
.
.
.

RE: Joke of day ... twin sisters just turning one hundred years
 

RE: Joke of day ... A Girl's Best Friend
 

A Girl's Best Friend

Bill meets Doug shopping at the mall and sees he has a small gift-wrapped box in his hand. "It's my wife's birthday tomorrow."

Doug said. "Last week I asked her what she wanted for her birthday."

"And?" Bill asked.

"Well, she said, 'Oh, I don't know, just give me something with diamonds on it'."

"So what did you end up getting her?" asked Bill.

"I bought her a deck of cards!"




....

RE: Joke of day ... bikes and homes
 

For his birthday a little boy asked for a 10-speed bike. "Son, we'd give you one," the father said, "but the mortage on this house is $280,000, and your mother just lost he job. There's no way we can afford it in our current situation."

The next day the father saw the little boy heading out the front door with a suitcase, so he said, "Son, where are you going?"

"Well," the boy said "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out.

Then I heard mom tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage and no bike."




.

RE: Joke of day ... GCSE
 

The following questions were set in last year's GCSE examinations

Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes pollutants.

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to
flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature
abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs

Q. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow

Q. How are the main parts of the body categorised (eg the abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the
abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the
heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the bowels.

Q. What is the fibula
A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent by wearing a condominium

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure
A. A Roman Emperor

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight

Q: write a essay
A: Mae'r e-bost hwn (ac unrhyw atodiadau) yn gyfrinachol a gall gynnwys barn
bersonol nad yw'n farn Ymddiriedolaeth GIG Gofal Iechyd Gwent oni bai fod
hynny wedi ei ddatgan yn benodol Os ydych chi wedi ei dderbyn trwy
gamgymeriad, dilewch o'ch system, peidiwch a defnyddio, copio na datgelu'r
wybodaeth mewn unrhyw fodd. Hysbyswch y sawl a'i anfonodd am y camgymeriad
hwn ar unwaith os gwelwch yn dda.




.

RE: Joke of day ... Evolution of Mother
 

Evolution of Mother

Yes, parenthood changes everything. But parenthood also changes with each baby. Here, some of the ways having a second and third child differs from having your first:

Your Clothes -

1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.

2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.

3rd baby: Your maternity clothes are your regular clothes.

The Baby's Name -

1st baby: You pore over baby-name books and practice pronouncing and writing combinations of all your favorites.

2nd baby: Someone has to name their kid after your great-aunt Mavis, right? It might as well be you.

3rd baby: You open a name book, close your eyes, and see where your finger falls. Bimaldo? Perfect!

Preparing for the Birth -

1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.

2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.

3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.

The Layette -

1st baby: You prewash your newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.

2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.

3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?

Worries -

1st baby: At the first sign of distress - a whimper, a frown - you pick up the baby.

2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.

3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.

Activities -

1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.

2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.

3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.

Going Out -

1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home 5 times.

2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.

3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

At Home -

1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.

2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.

3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.


=================


A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice, and generally making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride.

While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their feelings toward her demanding ways.

At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head no, and mumble a reply.

Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.

The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would then ask, 'Can I borrow that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'"