the cute redhead ...
 

A young cowboy from Wyoming goes off to college. Half way through the
semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money.

He calls home. "Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern
education is developing! They actually have a program here in Laramie
that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!"

"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says. "I'll get
him in the course."

So, his father sends the dog and $2,000.

About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs
out. The boy calls home.

"So how's Ol' Blue doing son?" his father asks.

" Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't
believe this - they've had such good results they have invited hi to join the
learn to read program!"

"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"

"Just send $6,500, I'll get him in the class."

The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of
the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read.
What should he do, he wonders. He shoots the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all
excited. "Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read
something and talk!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just
before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked
back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually
does. Then he turned to me and asked, "So, is your daddy still
messing' around with that cute redhead in town?"

The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that SOB before he
talks to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

The kid went on to be a successful lawyer


.

the wife and mating habits
 

My wife and I went to the Pretoria Agricultural show and one of the first exhibits
we stopped at was the breeding bulls.

We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,
'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR.'
My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs, smiled and said,
'He mated 50 times last year.'

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR.'
My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW, that's more than twice a week!
You could learn a lot from him.'

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters,
'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR.'
My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs,
and said, 'You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

I looked at her and said, 'Go over and ask them if it was with the same old cow.'

Doctor said I'm lucky, only 4 broken ribs.
Wife got off easy, only 10 days behind bars.

A GOOD NURSE is invaluable
 

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well.

However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch. He was worried that it might be a surgery that the doctors hadn't told him about.

He finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his testicle's pubic hair were two wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off without ripping out the skin hairs.

Written in large letters was the sentence:
'Get well soon trooper .. from the nurse in the Red Cadillac that you pulled over and ticketed last week.'



.


.

To be 6 again
 

To be 6 again


A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing
his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was
not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.

'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the
mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big
bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What
a day!

He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide,
the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller
Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.
Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal
with extra fries and a chocolate
shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and
her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed
exhausted. He leaned over his wife
with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear,
what was it like being six again?'

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly
changed. 'I meant my dress size!!'

The moral of the story: It matters not that a man is listening,
he is gonna get it wrong anyways.




.


.

$100 tatoo
 

Larry gets home late one night and, Linda , his wife says, "Where in the hell have you been?"

Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."

"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

'I got a hundred dollar bill tattooed on my privates,' he said proudly.

'What the hell were you thinking? She said, shaking her head in disgust.
'Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?'

Well,

one, I like to watch my money grow.

Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.

Three, I like how money feels in my hand.

And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want..



.

psychology 101
 

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.


He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.


Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled
him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act
she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she
now considered her to be mentally stable.


When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and
bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able
to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of
the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound
mindedness.


The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe
belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'


Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.

heh :)

At a recent elementary school assembly, a gun control activist asked the kids for total quiet.
Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands once every few seconds, holding the audience in total silence.

Then he said into the microphone, 'Children, every time I clap my hands together, a child in America dies from gun violence.'

Then, little Ricky, pierced the quiet and said: ''Well, d u m b a s s, stop clapping!'



.

veterinarians make darn good money ...
 

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000.00.

It happened again the next week, so the following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate.

This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.

"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000.00 a week in the collection plate," he stated.

She replied, "Why yes. Every week my son sends me money and I give some of it to the church."

The pastor replied, "That's wonderful, but $1000.00 is a lot of money. Are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?"

The elderly woman answered, "He sends me $10,000.00 a week."

The pastor was amazed and said, "Wow, your son must be very successful. What does he do for a living?"

"He is a veterinarian," she answered.

"That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"

The woman answered proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses - one in Las Vegas, and one in Reno."

Stomper, you're on a roll.

Cheers and we look forward to your Forum Favourites selections!
plan solution commission de surendettement - commission de surendettement, vous pouvez demander un dossier de surendettement.plan solution commission de surendettement

Cash-for-Clunkers
 

What is The Cash-for-Clunkers program ?

A program to provide good homes on wheels when you lose the house.


.

Hefty bags and Tide soap
 

Dear Tide:

I am writing to say what an excellent product you have.
I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best.
Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better!

In fact, about a month ago I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck.

One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse!

I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out!
In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.

What a relief!

Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect!
I thank you, once again, for having a great product.

Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.



.

little girl says, "I just know why you and daddy got a divorce."
 

A little girl and her mother were out and about. The girl, out of the blue, asked her mother, "Mommy, How old are you?"

The mother responded,"Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older."

The girl then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"

Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this, too, as you grow up."

The girl, still wanting to know about her mother, fires off another question, "Mommy, why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

The mother, a little annoyed by the line of questioning, responded, "Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now."

The little girl, frustrated, sulks until she is dropped off at a friend's house to play. She consults with her girlfriend about the conversation she had with her mother. The girlfriend says, "All you have to do is sneak and look at your mother's driver's license. It's just a like a report card from school. It tells you everything.

Later, the little girl and her mother are out and about again. The little girl starts off with, "Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are. I know how old you are. You're 32 years old."

The mother is very shocked. She asks, "Sweetheart, how do you know that?"
The little girl shrugs and says, I just know.

And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 130 pounds."
"Where did you learn that?"
The little girl shrugs and says, I just know.

The little girl says, "And I know why you and daddy got a divorce. You got an 'F' in sex."


.

The Sergeant, the liberal lady, and sex
 

A crusty Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event, hosted by the local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

She said, "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?" "Negative ma'am," the Sergeant Major said. "Just serious by nature." The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action".

The Sergeant Major's short reply was, "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

The Sergeant Major looked at her and replied 1955,

She said "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously!, I mean, no sex since 1955! Isn't that a little extreme?"

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter‑of‑fact
voice, "You think so? It's only 2200 now!"

It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.

"Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?' " She saw a sea of blank
faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up.
"Patrick Henry, 1775." "Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said,
"Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?"
Again, no response except from Pedro: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed! Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do!"
She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans!" "Who said that?" she demanded.
Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm going to puke." The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Pedro answered, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now, with almost mob hysteria, teacher said, "You little ****. If you say anything else, I'll kill you!"

Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."

The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, "Oh ****, we're in BIG trouble now!"
Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."

Finally someone throws an eraser at Pedro, someone shouted "Duck"!
Teacher asked, "Who said that?
Pedro: Dick Cheney 2006






.

husband & wife in heaven !
 

Transportation in Heaven



And it came to pass that an angel came up to three newly-dead men and said -"You are all to be allocated a method for transportation around heaven. You will be judged on your past deeds, and will have your transport chosen accordingly."

The angel looked at the first guy, Dave, and said- "You, Dave, were a bad man in life. You cheated on your wife four times! For this, you will drive around Heaven in an old beat-up Toyota."

The angel next looked at the second guy, Jon, and said- "You were not as sinful, but you still cheated on your wife twice. For this, you will forever travel around heaven in a Buick."

The angel finally looked at our hero, Sam, and said- "You, Sam, have set a fine example. You did not have sex until after marriage, and you never cheated on your wife. For this, you will forever travel through heaven in a Cadillac."

A short time later, Jon and Dave pulled up in their cars next to Sam's Ferrari. There he is, sitting on the bonnet, his head in his hands, crying.

"What's wrong, Sam?" they asked.

"You got the Cadillac! You're set forever! Why so down?"


Sam looked up, ever so slowly opened his mouth, and said, "I just saw my wife go by on a beat up Yugo.



.

Taliban, Jew, water, and a tie
 

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties..

The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water.. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."

The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an over-priced jewish tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first, then I'll come back and shot you!

"OK," said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a
lovely restaurant. It has all the cool water you need. Shalom."

Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead & said "Your brother won't let me in without a tie!"

Jewish man, "While you were gone, a tourist bus stopped by and they bought most every tie. There is only got one left and that one cost $30,000 !"





.

He still eats everything in sight
 

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.


The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.


While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.


"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"




.

Better than a Flu Shot!
 

Better than a Flu Shot!

Miss Beatrice, The church organist, Was in her eighties And had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness And kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor Came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.

She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea...

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ,

The young minister Noticed a cut glass bowl Sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled With water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned With tea and scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity About the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

' Miss Beatrice ', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' Pointing to the bowl.

'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through The Park a few months ago And I found this little package on the ground.

The directions said To place it on the organ, Keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease..

And you know, I haven't had the flu all year !

Classifieds
 

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Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got marriedlast month. Freaking Wife knows everything

Meaning of... 'potentially' and 'realistically'
A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the
difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"
The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother
if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask
your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars,
and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million
dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."
So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?"
The mother replied, "Of course, I would! We could really use that
money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great university!"
The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?"
The girl replied, "Oh, good heavens! I LOVE Brad Pitt and I would
sleep with him in a heartbeat. Are you nuts?"
The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with
Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million
bucks would buy?"
The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.
His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between
'potentially' and 'realistically'?"
The boy replied, "Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three
million dollars, but 'realistically', we're living with two hookers
and a future congressman."

Freaking Wife
 

good ones, but this one made me fall off the chair !



.

what is this: Black externally and yellow within?
A duckling ninja

car going the wrong way on 280
 

A old guy, Barney, was driving down the freeway, when his phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice . She sounded urgent as she warned him, "Barney I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!"

"Heck," replied Barney, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"


.

Al, Bill and Barrack go to heaven
 

Al, Bill and Barrack go to heaven...

God addresses Al first.. ''Al, what do you believe in?''

Al replies: "Well, I believe that I won that election, but that it was your will that I did not serve .. I've come to understand that now.''

God thinks for a second and says:
"Very good. Come and sit at my left.''

God then addresses Bill. "Bill, what do you believe in?''

Bill replies: "I believe in forgiveness, I've sinned, but I've never held a grudge against my fellow man, and I hope no grudges are held against me.''

God thinks for a second and says:
"You are forgiven, my son. Come and sit at my right.''

Then God addresses Barrack. "Barrack, what do you believe in?''
He replies: "I believe you're in my chair."



.

swine flu, pigs and chickens
 

Are you concerned about the swine flu??
Here's my concern.



3 years ago, Chinese calendar year of the cow . .. . Mad Cow disease.







2 years ago, Chinese calendar year of the bird . . . Avian flu.






This year, Chinese calendar year of the pig . . . Swine flu.







Next year is the year of the cock - Anybody worried? ...



.

lol................. oh ****!!

oh, the dang thing blipped me..... nice

friends rub her tummy
 

Why is it when the wife becomes pregnant, all her female friends rub her tummy and say "congratulations."

But none of them rub yours and say "good job" ?



.

Do you know the difference between Courtney Love and a hockey team??? At least the hockey team showers after their third period!!

2 car salesmen are sitting at a bar. The one says to the other "If I dont sell a car soon, I'll loose my ass!! At that moment he notices a lady sitting to his left. He turns to say he's sorry, she replies No No, I understand. If I dont sell my ass, I'm going o loose my car!!

Whats the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche?

The porcupine has the prick on the outside.

the US economy
 

how do we know the economy is in bad shape?


Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

American Airlines now passes a collection hat to buy airplane fuel.

Airplanes at LAX can no longer land at the lunch hour, "THE" Control Tower employee refuses to work for FREE on his own time.

Northwest Airlines orders all passengers to go potty BEFORE they board the airplane for a 14 hour flight.

Stock in Hot Wheels is trading higher than GM.

VW sales are now more than GM.

The bank returned my check marked "Insufficient Funds" and I had to call them to ask if they meant me or them.

The Mafia is laying off judges.

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

Newspaper add in Guadalajara, Mexico: "American Nannies wanted"

Japan and China are issuing FOREIGN AID to America.




.
.

kissing and sex
 

.

The holiday season
 

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 4th November

RE: Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...please feel free to sing along.
And don't be surprised if the Managing Director shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1.00 p.m.
Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets.

This gathering is only for employees! The Managing Director will make a special announcement at the Party.

Merry Christmas to you and your Family.
Pauline
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 5th November

RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our 'Holiday Party.' The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians. There will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Pauline.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~
FROM; Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 6th November

RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table...you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, 'AA Only,' you wouldn't be anonymous anymore!!!! How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?

Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed now since the Union Officials feel that $10.00 is too much money and Management believe $10.00 is a little cheap.

NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
Pauline.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 7th November

RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs, perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - or else package everything up for you to take home in a little foil doggy bag. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets, Gays are allowed to sit with each other, Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each will have their own table.

Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay men's table, too.
To the person asking permission to cross dress - no cross dressing allowed. And No, no blow-up sheep.

We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food. We suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply 'No Sugar' desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?!?!?!

Pauline.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All F****** Employees

DATE: 8 November

RE: The ******** Holiday Party.

Vegetarian pricks I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the 'grill of death', as you so quaintly put it.

You'll get your f****** salad bar, including organic tomatoes, but you know tomatoes have feeling, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!!

We did consider changing the name of the party to 'The New Year Party" but quickly we were informed that the Chinese New Year was ignored by the Company.

Hope you all have a rotten holiday * drink, drive, and die!

The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~

FROM: John Bishop - Acting Human Resources Director

DATE: 9th November

RE: Pauline Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline Lewis a speedy recovery, and I'll continue to forward your cards to her.

In the meantime, Management has decided that such diversity should not be in the same buidling on any religious holiday and has canceled the Holiday Party.

Instead, the Company is giving everyone the afternoon off on their stated religious holiday with full pay so that you can do whatever the h*** you want. Please be aware that if you take time off on more than one religious holiday your pay will be deducted.

On the mornings of all the religious holidays in Decemeber, we will card every employee and will not be admitted to the buidling if your stated religion on record.

Since atheists do not have a regilious holiday, and we must be fair in our diverse employee population, you will not be allowed into the buidling on any of the religious holidays unless you convert by then. Please take your work home so that you can remain in the payroll on those days. Of course, on one such day, take the afternoon off with pay.

Manangement

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~

FROM: John Bishop - Acting Human Resources Director

DATE: 10th November

RE: Food and lunches

The plans for the party and all of the complaints received have opened our eyes to so many problems that we knew nothing about.

For now, we shall start with the food.

Starting today and forever into the future, for those that bring your own lunches to work, be adviced that 30 minutes before you open your lunch containers inside the buidling you must email all the employees in the building and inform what type of food you will be eating and if anyone objects to the food being eaten, you cannot open the container, use our microwave, or dispose of the trash in the Company trash cans. Be prepared to eat in your own car.




.

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new Employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena .

'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'

'Your job is to give Elmo two test .. hmhmhm .. tickles.'

http://dahnyoga.net/files/2008/11/laughing_horse1.jpg

DEA officer
 

*The Power of a Badge.....

DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas , and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay , but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? "

The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....

*" Your badge. Show him your BADGE ! "



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Joke of day
 

Lets start a thread which you can post a joke once a day,does not matter who posts it,Just keep it kinda clean as we have young RCers on here. Todays joke. Two women, who are dog owners, are arguing which dog is smarter.First woman: My dog is so smart. Every morning he waits for the paperboy to come around and then he takes a newspaper and brings it to me.Second woman: I know.First one: How?Second one: My dog told me.

Wal-Mart 6 hp in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 90% humidity
 

A good laugh ....... without cursing.

---------------

We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.

Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.

It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all...

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.

Time stood still.

The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.

It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of **** lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire.. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences.....but Dad always had those piece of **** chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.

This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!

Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please die... Pleeeeaze die!!'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 90% humidity,standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me.

God did not take me that day.....he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created..

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire... I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was badly sunburned.

There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.

Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:

1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.

2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).

3- Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, don't smell as bad as you might think.

4- My left eye will not open.

5- My right eye will not close.

6- The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.

7- My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.

8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (I still don't understand this...???).

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow...

The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over....which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.