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Joke of day ...

  #1  
Old 04-23-2008, 11:40 AM
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Default Joke of day ...

I'm gonna try and come here and post a dumb joke each day .. feel free to join in.

========================


A truck full of women is driving down a road. A man is driving down the same road from the opposite direction.


As they pass each other, the man leans out the window and yells " PIGS !! "





The woman driver immediately leans out her window and yells "JERK!!"




They each continue on their way, and as the truck full of women rounds the next curve they crashe into a huge pile of pigs in the middle of the road.

[IMG]local://upfiles/3799/6584D77FD8094830920DE1BACB0C1241.jpg[/IMG][IMG]local://upfiles/3799/F3188414A441492E8D1BE6B189C18ECA.jpg[/IMG]





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  #2  
Old 04-23-2008, 10:27 PM
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Default RE: Joke of day ...

What do you call three lawyers sky diving? SKEET!
 
  #3  
Old 04-23-2008, 11:39 PM
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Default RE: Joke of day ... Massachusetts

You Know You're From Massachusetts If ...

Other states are boring! Massachusetts residents are completely unique, with their own way of looking at the world.




You know you're from Massachusetts if ...

* You compare with friends what Boston was like pre-Big-Dig and post-Big-Dig. * You understand why they call it Taxachusetts. * You've ever made a run to New Hampshire to get alcohol without sales tax.










[IMG]local://upfiles/3799/F8A2A8AD45D44216B85kk4ABD42C663A25.jpg[/IMG]
 
  #4  
Old 04-24-2008, 05:45 PM
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Default RE: Joke of day ... hillbilly



Two Indians and a Hillbilly were walking in the
woods. All of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill
to the mouth of a small cave.

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' he called into the
cave and then he listened very closely until he heard
an answering, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' He tore
off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Hillbilly was puzzled and asked the other
Indian what that was all about. Was the other Indian
crazy or what?

'No,' said the Indian. 'It is our custom during
mating season. When Indian men see cave, they
holler, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening.
If they get an answer back, it means there is a girl
there waiting to mate.'

Just then they saw another cave. The Indian ran
up to the opening of the cave, stopped, and
hollered, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Immediately,
there was an answering 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!'
from deep inside the cave. He tore off his clothes and
ran into the cave.

The Hillbilly wandered around in the woods alone
for a while, and then he came upon a great big cave.
As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge
opening, he was thinking, 'Hoo, man! Look at the size
of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found.
There must be some really big, fine women in this
cave!'

So, he stood in front of the opening and hollered
with all his might 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' He
grinned and closed his eyes in anticipation, and then
he heard the answering call, 'WOOOOOOOOO!
WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!'

With a gleam in his eyes and smile on his face, he
raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.




The following day, the headline of the Local Newspaper read -

"NAKED HILLBILLY RUN OVER BY FREIGHT TRAIN"







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  #5  
Old 04-25-2008, 11:10 AM
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Default RE: Joke of day ... rolls royce

an old classic ..

=================

A businessman walked into a New York City bank and asked for the loan officer. He said he was going to Europe on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $15,000. The loan officer said the bank would need some security for such a loan.

The business man then handed over the keys to a Rolls Royce that was parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checked out and the loan officer accepted the car as collateral for the loan. An employee then drove the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parked it there.

Two weeks later the businessman returned, repaid the $15,000 and the interest which came to $45.48.

The loan officer said, "We do appreciate your business and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a bit puzzled. While you were away we checked and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why you would bother to borrow $15,000?"

The business man replied: "Where else in New York City can I park my car in a guarded and secured parking lot for two weeks for under $20 per day ?"






 
  #6  
Old 04-26-2008, 04:20 PM
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Default RE: Joke of day ... rolls royce


HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR: 2029


Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions.

Due to increased levels of UV, the Feds set the minimum SPF of suncreen sold to be 175 with an increased UV-B range of 895 to 1200 nm .. up from the old 390–650 nm set in 2010.

Battery acid from electric cars is reported to have polluted another 3.7 cubic-miles of water tables in Asia.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.

Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped. ID of mother kept a secret.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

The Pacific Ocean is declared a off-limits zone after the California Seal exhausts the food supply and turns to feeding on humans.

Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 11 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels. Mining companies extremely disappointed as they look forward to mining the glass laden sands.

X-Pres Jimmy Carter wins 2nd Nobel Peace Prize.

France pleads for UN help after being taken over by Jamaica. No one comes forward.

Osama bin Laden is elected for the 5th time to President of the Middle East Union, composed of what once was Bahrain, Egypt, Iran, Iraq, Israel, Jordan, Kuwait, Lebanon, Pakistan, Palestinian territories, Oman, Qatar, Saudi Arabia, Sudan, Syrian Arab Republic, United Arab Emirates, and Yemen.

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036 and claims to have the support of the Middle East Union.

North Korea: Kim Jong-il announces the opening of an additional 14,500 State sponsored brothels to keep up with foreign demand that has far exceeded the current 3,287 licensed brothels. Unemployment is expected to drop to an all time low of 31 percent.

China announces a new State lottery. One in 1,300 will win a chance to get their implanted birth control devises deactivated.

Japan: Government outlaws the serving if seafood in restaurants and turns to other methods for proteins. People reported to be raising record numbers of sharks in home aquariums.

US Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail deliveries to twice a week. Mail pick up at the Post Office is expanded and can now be done 5 days per week, Sat to Wed, 11am to 2pm.

29-year study completed, costing $175.8 billion: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of Americans drops from 268 lbs to 253 lbs.

Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year.

South American coffee crops fails for the 7th year in a row, due to Global cooling, coffee beans are now $364 / lb.

Senate still blocking drilling, barrel of oil is now $753.

Congress increases gasoline allotment to 3 gallons per week, per car. Car sales booming.

Permits to grow corn in back yards soar. Municipalities investigating ways to tax the fuel made in back yards.

Automotive SMOG testing is eased to only 3 times per year. Cars older than 2 years must continue the usual 6 SMOG tests per year routine.

Average height of NBA players is now Eight feet, three inches. Hoops raised to 15 ft.

Federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, water guns, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2030 .

IRS lowers tax rate to 76 percent, minimum tax increases from 53 percent to 67 percent.

Mick Jagger and the Rolling Stones sell out last weekend's performance after the Daytona NASCAR. Ambulance and doctors discretely monitor the performers from behind the stage.

The 2029 Cadillac CTS-V breaks new track speed record at Daytona, running the straights at 322 mph.




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  #7  
Old 04-26-2008, 11:25 PM
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Default RE: Joke of day ... rolls royce

A young boy is walkin down a dirt road with a roll of tape in his hand, when he passes a farm house where an old farmer is sittin on the porch. The farmer yells out,"where you goin with that tape boy"? The boy replies " this ain't no ordinary tape, this here is "duck" tape and I am gonna catch me some ducks with it." The farmer yells back, you can't catch ducks with "duck" tape. About an hour later the farmer is amazed when the boy comes back up the road draggin a half dozen ducks behind him all tangled up in his "duck " tape. A week later the boy comes down the road again draggin some wire behind him when the farmer yells out, " hey boy, where you goin with that wire?" The boys replies, " this ain't no ordinary wire, this here is chicken wire and I am gonna catch me some chickens with it." The farmer yells back, " you can't catch chickens with chicken wire." About an hour later the farmer is again amazed as the boy comes up the road draggin a half dozen chickens behind him all tangled up in the wire. A week later the boy is coming down the same road swinging a stick when the farmer yells out, " hey boy, where you goin with that stick?" The boy replies, " this here ain't no ordinary stick, this here is a piece of ***** willow." The farmer jumped up and yelled back, "Hold on a minute boy while I grab my hat."
 
  #8  
Old 04-27-2008, 03:02 AM
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Default RE: Joke of day ... a Fifth of Scotch



Mother and Daughter -
"Mommy, how did you and Daddy meet?"
"Well, I whacked his Dyngus with my ***** willow, and..."
"No, no, not where I came from, how did you two met!"

======

NEWS Bulletin ( Manhatan) -
"Governor Spitzer will hold a press conference at 9:00 a.m. to discuss the serious ***** willow crisis facing the people of New York. "As a well known expert on all things about ***** willows, I am sure that I can handle this crisis" the Governor said today from behind the sandbags and ****** wire surrounding his Fifth Avenue apartment building where he has been consulting with his wife and a battalion of lawyers about just how much of his knowledge about ***** willows he should share with the public."

====

NEWS BULLETIN ( BUFFALO) -
"WalMart has pulled all ***** willows and dynguses from its nursery shelves after complaints from a local concerned mother. Or maybe it was a concerned local mother. Early reports are unclear on that point."




================


18 holes = one bottle

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  #9  
Old 04-27-2008, 04:37 PM
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Default RE: Joke of day ... a Fifth of Scotch

A large bank in Chicago advertises in the paper to fill a position for a loan officer , and a Mexican immigrant comes in and applies for the job. The hiring manager does't want to hire him because if his poor English but can't refuse him for that because it would be discrimination. So, the hiring manager tells him that if he can pass a test consisting of 3 questions , that the job was his. He handed the man a piece of paper and told him to represent the number 9 using drawings but no numbers. The man draws a picture of 3 trees and hands it back. The hiring manager asks him what this means and the man replies " Tree plus Tree plus Tree equals 9." The hiring manager then tells him to represent the number 99 in the same way. The man takes the paper back and shades in the tops of the trees and hands it back. The hiring manager asks what this means and the man replies, " Dirt on Trees; Dirty Tree, plus Dirty Tree, plus Dirty Tree , equals 99." The hiring manager becomes agitated thinking that this guy is trying to outsmart him. He thinks for a minute then tells the man to represent the number 100 in his drawing. The man draws 3 small lines under each tree and hands it back. The hiring manager looks at it , and thinking it makes no sense figures that he outsmarted the man now and asks him what it means. The man replied; " Dog pooped under trees; Dirty Tree and a Turd, plus Dirty Tree and a Turd, plus Dirty Tree and a Turd, = 100. " "WHEN DO I START"
 
  #10  
Old 04-27-2008, 06:16 PM
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Default RE: Joke of day ... bank joke


A little old lady goes into the Manhattan Bank and says she wants to open a savings account. The account person asks her how much she would like to deposit to open the account, and the little old lady says, "Three million dollars."

The account person is startled, and says, "In what form?" and the little old lady says, "Cash. I've got it here in this bag." The account person looks and, sure enough, the lady has a big grocery bag chock full of green bills with big denominations.

This is a highly unusual event, and the account person excuses herself to get the president of the bank to handle this one. He arrives, and escorts the little old lady to his office to handle it personally.

Once in his office, he asks the little old lady where she got so much money.

She says, "Gambling."

"Gambling?" he says. "What sort of gambling?"

"Oh, I make bets with people on all sorts of things, and I usually win. For example, I've got one hundred thousand dollars right here that says by noon tomorrow, your ***** will be square, and I'll even give you four to one odds. You got twenty five thousand dollars you'd be willing to wager on that?" she asks.

The bank president is shocked at this sort of thing coming from a sweet little old lady, but he didn't get to be the president of the Manhattan Bank without knowing something about money. "I suppose I could come up with enough to cover that sort of wager, but I wouldn't feel right taking it from you. There's no way you can win a bet like that!"

The little old lady just shakes the bag, and says, "I know what I'm doing. I can afford to lose, though I'm not going to. Is it a bet?"

"Okay, have it your way," says the president, and they shook hands on it.

"See you at eleven-fifty-five tomorrow morning," says the little old lady, and with that she leaves.

The next morning at 11:55, the little old lady arrives with a younger man in a three-piece suit, and is escorted to the bank president's office. The president is a nervous wreck, though a happy one. He's gotten almost no sleep last night, waking every few minutes to feel his ***** to check for impending squareness, but nothing happened all night. He has checked hundreds of times that morning, but still nothing.

When the little old lady arrives, he starts to relax, knowing he has won.

"Come in, please have a seat! Who might this gentleman be?" says the president.

"He's my lawyer. For a bet of this size I want to have a witness. Any objections?"

"No, perfectly understandable," says the president. "Well, it's now noon, and I'm still unchanged, so I guess I win!"

"Not so fast!" says the little old lady. "For a hundred grand I want to verify things personally! Please drop your pants."

The bank president is a bit flustered, but understands that there must be proof to collect the bet, so he drops his pants. The little old lady goes over to him and reaches out to feel the organs in question.

"Okay, you win, here's your hundred grand," says the little old lady, handing over a bag of bills. As she does so, her lawyer starts banging his head against the wall and moaning.

"What's wrong with him?" asks the bank president.

"Oh, he's just upset. Poor loser if you ask me. You see, we had a $500 grand bet that I would have the President of the Manhattan Bank ***** on my hands by noon today."





 

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