GM Cadillac oil changes
#1
04-09-2007, 11:51 PM
GM Cadillac oil changes
GM Cadillac oil changes
procedure for changing the oil:
==========================
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil,
filter, kitty litter, and cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's bikes.
6) Another beer.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8 Look for 9/16 box end wrench
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms.
Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Another beer while watching oil drain
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter pouring oil from holes.
Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties.
Another beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow
so you can go and see his BBQ.
18 Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change."
Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in
back yard hole instead of taking it back to Kragen to recycle.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer. $20.
22) Another beer. Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat
of oil to gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11?
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
27) Another beer.
28 Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole.
Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid
environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
30) Another beer.
31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug.
Stupid crescent wrench slips tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame. BLOOD.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31. More BLOOD.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
36) Another beer.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
38 Beer.
39) Beer.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43.
Remember the bike in step 5? CRUSHED!
45) Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48 Car gets towed, impounded.
49) Make bail.
50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
Money spent:
Parts $50.00
Beer $40.00
Bike $200
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Tow $75
Bail $1500.00
Total - - $4,440.00
If you want a job done right, you do it yourself!
procedure for changing the oil:
==========================
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil,
filter, kitty litter, and cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's bikes.
6) Another beer.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8 Look for 9/16 box end wrench
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms.
Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Another beer while watching oil drain
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter pouring oil from holes.
Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties.
Another beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow
so you can go and see his BBQ.
18 Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change."
Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in
back yard hole instead of taking it back to Kragen to recycle.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer. $20.
22) Another beer. Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat
of oil to gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11?
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
27) Another beer.
28 Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole.
Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid
environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
30) Another beer.
31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug.
Stupid crescent wrench slips tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame. BLOOD.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31. More BLOOD.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
36) Another beer.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
38 Beer.
39) Beer.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43.
Remember the bike in step 5? CRUSHED!
45) Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48 Car gets towed, impounded.
49) Make bail.
50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
Money spent:
Parts $50.00
Beer $40.00
Bike $200
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Tow $75
Bail $1500.00
Total - - $4,440.00
If you want a job done right, you do it yourself!
#6
11-19-2007, 01:06 PM
RE: procedure for changing the oil:
Oil Change Instructions for Women:
1) Listen to husband explain why he should change your oil for you, ignore him.
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Money spent:
* Oil Change $20.00
* Coffee $1.00
Total: $21.00
4) Go home - answer phone and listen to husband explain why he is in jail - and go and bail him out.... priceless
1) Listen to husband explain why he should change your oil for you, ignore him.
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Money spent:
* Oil Change $20.00
* Coffee $1.00
Total: $21.00
4) Go home - answer phone and listen to husband explain why he is in jail - and go and bail him out.... priceless
#7
11-19-2007, 04:15 PM
GM Cadillac oil changes
Oil Change Instructions for MEN:
It is Saturday morning ...
1) Listen to wife tell you why you must change her car's oil, today .. just nod & smile.. dont say anything stupid, NOTHING!.
2) Tell her while you work on her car, she can go and get her nails done and she can take your car - ouch - I know. I know, but no choice. Do NOT SAY ANYTHING STUPID like "dont wreck my car" do NOT NOT NOT say that!
3) She leaves, you race to Jiffy Lube, offer the guy extra $5 to get it done FAST, tell him NO LABELS, NO TAGS.
do NOT write a check, CASH ONLY - leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
4) Drink a cup of coffee, toss the evidence (cup).
Money spent:
* Oil Change $25
* Tip $5
* Coffee $2
Total: $32.00
5) Race back home, now work FAST - shred the receipts, open the hood, vacuum carpets, smear a bit of oil on face, a bit of mud wont hurt, oil a shop towel then toss it on the floor in front of car, smear jeans and hands, drop a bit of oil on the floor, mess your hair up some.
6) A few minutes later, wife arrives and you are sitting on the lawn chair looking near death. Wife starts asking when are you planning to .... ... you cut her off "Honey, oil change done, lubed joints, and vacuumed the carpets - God am I tired! I wanted to make sure it was all done by the time you got home."
THAT IS IT, dont say anything else, nothing STUPID, NOTHING !
7) Wife stands there, mouth open .. in shock, walks around to front of car, she pulls out dipstick .. sees fresh new oil .. even more shocking, she looks inside, carpets are clean .. her eyes are now swelling with tears.
8) Wife walks up to you with that special smile that means "in the mood", takes your hand and says " honey, lets go inside, I will give you a bath & ... (use your imagination) ."
The REWARD?
............ p r i c e l e s s ! ...............
THAT my friends, is how you treat a lady ...
Even if she finds later out that you paid to do the job, she will still love it that you got it done, the how wont matter.
But dont be a fool and confess - unless she asks " where did you take it?"
It is Saturday morning ...
1) Listen to wife tell you why you must change her car's oil, today .. just nod & smile.. dont say anything stupid, NOTHING!.
2) Tell her while you work on her car, she can go and get her nails done and she can take your car - ouch - I know. I know, but no choice. Do NOT SAY ANYTHING STUPID like "dont wreck my car" do NOT NOT NOT say that!
3) She leaves, you race to Jiffy Lube, offer the guy extra $5 to get it done FAST, tell him NO LABELS, NO TAGS.
do NOT write a check, CASH ONLY - leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
4) Drink a cup of coffee, toss the evidence (cup).
Money spent:
* Oil Change $25
* Tip $5
* Coffee $2
Total: $32.00
5) Race back home, now work FAST - shred the receipts, open the hood, vacuum carpets, smear a bit of oil on face, a bit of mud wont hurt, oil a shop towel then toss it on the floor in front of car, smear jeans and hands, drop a bit of oil on the floor, mess your hair up some.
6) A few minutes later, wife arrives and you are sitting on the lawn chair looking near death. Wife starts asking when are you planning to .... ... you cut her off "Honey, oil change done, lubed joints, and vacuumed the carpets - God am I tired! I wanted to make sure it was all done by the time you got home."
THAT IS IT, dont say anything else, nothing STUPID, NOTHING !
7) Wife stands there, mouth open .. in shock, walks around to front of car, she pulls out dipstick .. sees fresh new oil .. even more shocking, she looks inside, carpets are clean .. her eyes are now swelling with tears.
8) Wife walks up to you with that special smile that means "in the mood", takes your hand and says " honey, lets go inside, I will give you a bath & ... (use your imagination) ."
The REWARD?
............ p r i c e l e s s ! ...............
THAT my friends, is how you treat a lady ...
Even if she finds later out that you paid to do the job, she will still love it that you got it done, the how wont matter.
But dont be a fool and confess - unless she asks " where did you take it?"
#8
11-21-2007, 08:53 PM
RE: GM Cadillac oil changes
Best way I know. Planning is important!
1. Night before place golf clubs, pool cue, field glasses and tickets in trunk of car. Don't get caught.
2. Tell boss, wife, or anyone else who may stop you: I have to go to the dealer to get oil changed, and you are going to wait to be sure it's done right.
3. Next morning drive to dealer and unload hidden cargo at write up.
4.Catch courtsey shuttle to desired escape.Arrange for pick up at end of day. Do not forget what time that is!
5.Enjoy the day!
6.Catch shuttle back to dealer
7. Hope its done
8. Pay 40.00 for oil change, Tell necessary parties "I WAS STUCK AT THE DEALER ALL DAY", they will believe you. A day of your own priceless
disclaimer: not the day to have Hole In One, Catch home run ball,Hit the trifecta or anything else that will put you in news
1. Night before place golf clubs, pool cue, field glasses and tickets in trunk of car. Don't get caught.
2. Tell boss, wife, or anyone else who may stop you: I have to go to the dealer to get oil changed, and you are going to wait to be sure it's done right.
3. Next morning drive to dealer and unload hidden cargo at write up.
4.Catch courtsey shuttle to desired escape.Arrange for pick up at end of day. Do not forget what time that is!
5.Enjoy the day!
6.Catch shuttle back to dealer
7. Hope its done
8. Pay 40.00 for oil change, Tell necessary parties "I WAS STUCK AT THE DEALER ALL DAY", they will believe you. A day of your own priceless
disclaimer: not the day to have Hole In One, Catch home run ball,Hit the trifecta or anything else that will put you in news
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