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- - GM Cadillac oil changes (https://www.cadillacforum.com/forum/off-topic-6/gm-cadillac-oil-changes-2420/)

GM Cadillac oil changes

GM Cadillac oil changes

procedure for changing the oil:

==========================

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil,
filter, kitty litter, and cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's bikes.
6) Another beer.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8 Look for 9/16 box end wrench
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms.
Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Another beer while watching oil drain
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter pouring oil from holes.
Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties.
Another beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow
so you can go and see his BBQ.
18 Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change."
Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in
back yard hole instead of taking it back to Kragen to recycle.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer. $20.
22) Another beer. Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat
of oil to gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11?
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
27) Another beer.
28 Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole.
Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid
environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
30) Another beer.
31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug.
Stupid crescent wrench slips tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame. BLOOD.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31. More BLOOD.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
36) Another beer.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
38 Beer.
39) Beer.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43.
Remember the bike in step 5? CRUSHED!
45) Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48 Car gets towed, impounded.
49) Make bail.
50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:
Parts $50.00
Beer $40.00
Bike $200
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Tow $75
Bail $1500.00

Total - - $4,440.00

If you want a job done right, you do it yourself!