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RE: Joke of day ... GM, MS, Mac
A blond has tried for 4 hours to complete a picture puzzle. In desperation, she calls her boyfriend across town at midnight! Half asleep he answers the phone. "whats the matter dear?' She tells him she's been trying to figure this puzzle out for hours and could he please come over to help. He reluctantly drives across town and knocks on her door. Once inside he says "show me this puzzle" as they walk to the kitchen table he asks what the puzzle is. She says "look at the box!" its a rooster. He says " put the corn flakes back in the box!"
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RE: Joke of day ... GM, MS, Mac
A blonde and a brunette are in an elevator. It stops on the next floor and a good looking man gets on. The man stands facing the door. The brunette leans over to the blonde and whispers "He needs Head and Shoulders" The blonde responds "Whats shoulders?"
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RE: Joke of day ... Teacher
A little girl in the 4th grade was having trouble learning math, so one day the teacher told her that if she would like to stay after school for an hour each day that he would stay too and help her with her math. Wanting to get better grades she agreed.
One day, after about 2 weeks of this, she looked at the teacher and said " you know, you remind me alot of my Dad". The teacher replied " really, what's your dad like"? The little girlthought for a minute, then blurted out " Jack Daniels and women with big tits". |
RE: Joke of day ... Teacher
Why you can't find your MOD / ADM
They are hiding They are in the cellars conducting the rituals to keep the sites running They are in hospital suffering from an overdose of caffeine Taken away by the police after killing the last user who asked a stupid question "You *have* a ADM / MOD?" lost in the maze with the exit door leading back to the MOD room. Oh .. forgot to inform you .. you *are* the system administrator. sleeping under desk chained to the desk in a dungeon only the CEO has the key for. Explaining to management why there is a need for an assistant. suffering from sleep deprivation The admin came to work disguised as a tea boy to avoid talking to users The admin electroculted themselves whilst installing some cabling near the main power cable. Since the admin's body is the only thing keeping the power flowing, the management boarded up the body and pretended they still had a system administrator. Stuck in a lift shaft pulling network cable to another floor Getting Jolt out of their under-floor cache Hiding on the roof looking up the BOFH excuse of the day. out buying some caffeine. busy installing xfishtank on the main fileserver. out buying refills for the Nerf(TM) crossbow. locked in the computer room playing Deathmatch. Booted to DOS and is playing doom across the network. Went to Stop&Go to get ANOTHER case of insert favorite caffeinated beverage here Is crying in the room with padded walls that nobody dares open when the door's closed. |
RE: Joke of day ... hot air ballons
today being "Hot Air Ballon Day" ========================== A man is flying a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me. Can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The man below says, "Yes, You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees N. Latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees W. longitude". "You must be an engineer," says the balloonist. "I am," replies the man. "How did you know?" "Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost." The man below says, "You must be a manager." "I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," says the man below, "you don't know where you are, or where you are going, You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault." |
RE: Joke of day ... GM, MS, Mac
AUDI- Always Unsafe Designs Implemented.
BMW-Big Money Works. * Brutal Money Waster. * Bimbo Motor Weapon. * Big Master Wuus * Break My Window. BUICK-Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer. CHEVROLET- Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips. * Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time. * Cheap Heap, Every Valve Rattles, Oil Leaks Every Time. * Condition Hopeless, Entire Vehicle Relies On Leftover Engine Technology. DODGE-Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere. *Dem Old Dudes Go Everywhere. *Dead or Dying Gas Eater. *Dear Old Dad's Geriatric Express. FIAT- Failure in Italian Automotive Technology. *Fix It All the Time. *Fix it again, Tony! FORD - First On Recall Day. *Fixed Or Repaired Daily. *First On Rust and Deterioration. *Fix Or Repair Daily. *Found On Road, Dead. *Fast Only Rolling Downhill. *Features O.J. and Ron's DNA. *Found On Russian Dump. GM- General Maintenance. * Great Mistake. * GMC- Garage Man's Companion. * Got A Mechanic Coming?. HONDA - Had One Never Did Again. HYUNDAI-Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive... MAZDA- Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along. OLDSMOBILE-Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind *Infuriatingly Late Everywhere. * Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover Equipment. PINTO - Put in new transmission often. PONTIAC - Poor old Neanderthal thinks its a Cadillac. SAAB-Send Another Automobile Back. *Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown. *Sorry Arsed Auto Builders. TOYOTA-Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto. VOLVO- Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object. *Vehicles Of Low Velocity Owners. VW-Virtually Worthless. . |
RE: Joke of day ...
[/align][/align] John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual [/align][/align]Gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. [/align][/align][/align][/align]One day, John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. [/align][/align]It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. [/align][/align][/align][/align]It was just about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son [/align][/align]Returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late. [/align][/align][/align][/align]'Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting [/align][/align]Home?', they asked. [/align][/align][/align][/align]'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit [/align][/align]Project said Tommy. [/align][/align][/align][/align]The Robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking [/align][/align]Him completely out of his chair. [/align][/align][/align][/align]'Son, this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you went [/align][/align]After school.' [/align][/align][/align][/align]'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.' [/align][/align][/align][/align]'What did you watch?' asked Marsha. [/align][/align][/align][/align]'The Ten Commandments.' answered Tommy. [/align][/align][/align][/align]The Robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking [/align][/align]Him off his chair. [/align][/align][/align][/align]With lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I am sorry I lied. [/align][/align]We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.' [/align][/align][/align][/align]'I'm ashamed of you Son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never lied to [/align][/align]My parents.' [/align][/align][/align][/align]The robot then walked around to John and delivered a roundhouse [/align][/align]Right that nearly knocked him out of his chair. [/align][/align][/align][/align]Marsha was bent double laughing, almost in tears. 'Boy, did you [/align][/align]Ever ask for that one! And you can't be too mad with Tommy. [/align][/align]After all, he is your son!' [/align][/align][/align][/align]The Robot immediately walked around to Marsha, and slapped her [/align][/align]Three times.[/align][/align][/align] |
911
A couple of redneck hunters are out in
the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other redneck starts to panic, then whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He frantically blurts out to the operator, "O my gawd! Help! My friend just died. He's Dead! What can I do?" The operator, trying to calm him says, "Take it easy. I can help. Just listen to me and follow my instructions. First, lets make sure he's dead." There's a short pause, and then the operator hears a loud gun shot!!! The redneck comes back on the line and says, "OK, now what?" |
top prize at the Irish pub
the best toast of the night!
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!' That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, 'I won the prize for the Best toast of the night.' She said, 'Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?' John said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.' 'Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!' Mary said. The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, 'John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.' She said, 'Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.' . |
RE: Joke of day ... drivers
A police officer was investigating an accident on a two-lane, narrow road in which the drivers had hit virtually head-on.
One driver, an extremely elderly woman, kept repeating, "He wouldn't let me have my half of the road!" After gathering as much information as possible, he angrily approached the other driver, who was examining his own damage. The police officer asked, "That old lady says that you wouldn't let her have her half of the road. Why not? In exasperation, the man turns from his smashed car and says, "Officer, I would have been HAPPY to give her half of the road - if she had just let me know WHICH half she wanted!!!!" . |
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