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An old man was at his doctor for an annual exam and doctor asked for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the old man returned with the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing, then tried both hands and nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Betsy, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried it between her knees, but still nothing." Then her daughter came over and tried every which way you can imagen, and nothing. The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor and her daughter?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open." . |
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. 'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.' The man from Kansas fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said. 'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said. The man from Oklahoma reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.' Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'. The man from Texas started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?' The Texan replied, 'These are Carols.' And So The Christmas Season Begins...... http://www.classicgoldwings.com/foru...lies/yahoo.gif |
Dumb Ass
This old couple are enjoying their morning coffee and reading the paper when all of a sudden the husband blurts out "When I die I want you to sell all my stuff straight away" The wife curious as hell states. "now why would you want me to do that"?? The husband says" well I don't want some dumb ass using all my stuff. The wife replies "How do you know I'm going to marry another dumb ass"??
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A Jewish daughter says to her mother, "I'm divorcing Irv."
All he Wants is sex, sex and more sex. My vagina is now the size of a 50-cent piece When it used to be the size of a nickel." Her mother says, "You're married to a multimillionaire businessman, You live in an 8 Bedroom mansion You drive a $250,000 Ferrari, You get $2,000 a week allowance, You take 6 vacations a year and You want to throw all that away... over 45 cents!:mad: Now that's a Jewish mother!!! |
Two women friends had gone for a girls' night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home. The next day, the husband of one of the women was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said: "These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!" "That's nothing," said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck to her butt that said..... 'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.' " |
Up to us to add them apparently!
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Army retirement package
The Army was getting a bit top heavy and was wanting to put some of the senior staff out to pasture. So they came up with a plan to pay them $1000 an inch between any two points on their body.The first guy to accept the offer said he wanted to be measured from the tip of his toes to the top of his head. The number came out at 72" so he got $72,000 dollars severance. The next guy was a little smarter and wanted to be measured from the tip of his toes to the tip of his out stretched hand. The number was 96" so he got $96,000 severance.The old admiral steps up and wants to be measured from the tip of his johnson to the end of his scrotum. Well the doc was called in to do the measuring and asked the old boy to drop his pants.He starts measuring and then says holy crap where's your scrotum?? The old admiral replies "Vietnam".
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Bob was driving down the road and a met a car coming the other way. Although there was room to pass easily, the oncoming driver forced Bob to slow down, and then wound down his window and shouted ‘Pig’.
Bob looked in his rear view mirror and swore at the receding car. Then Bob's car hit the pig. |
Originally Posted by stomper
(Post 21397)
Two Indians and a Hillbilly were walking in the woods. All of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave. 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' he called into the cave and then he listened very closely until he heard an answering, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave. The Hillbilly was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all about. Was the other Indian crazy or what? 'No,' said the Indian. 'It is our custom during mating season. When Indian men see cave, they holler, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there is a girl there waiting to mate.' Just then they saw another cave. The Indian ran up to the opening of the cave, stopped, and hollered, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Immediately, there was an answering 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' from deep inside the cave. He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave. The Hillbilly wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then he came upon a great big cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, 'Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!' So, he stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' He grinned and closed his eyes in anticipation, and then he heard the answering call, 'WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!' With a gleam in his eyes and smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran. The following day, the headline of the Local Newspaper read - "NAKED HILLBILLY RUN OVER BY FREIGHT TRAIN" . lolll that was funny i liked it a lot .....:):p |
Originally Posted by stomper
(Post 21427)
an old classic ..
================= A businessman walked into a New York City bank and asked for the loan officer. He said he was going to Europe on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $15,000. The loan officer said the bank would need some security for such a loan. The business man then handed over the keys to a Rolls Royce that was parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checked out and the loan officer accepted the car as collateral for the loan. An employee then drove the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parked it there. Two weeks later the businessman returned, repaid the $15,000 and the interest which came to $45.48. The loan officer said, "We do appreciate your business and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a bit puzzled. While you were away we checked and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why you would bother to borrow $15,000?" The business man replied: "Where else in New York City can I park my car in a guarded and secured parking lot for two weeks for under $20 per day ?" |
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