Joke of day ...
#121
03-20-2010, 10:16 PM
I hate to bring this up at this time, but.................................
We are in trouble..
The
population of this country is 300 million.
The
population of this country is 300 million.
160
million are retired.
That leaves 140 million to do the
work.
There are 85 million in school.
Which leaves 55 million to do the work.
Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal
government.
Leaving 20 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied
with killing Osama
Bin-Laden.
Which leaves 17.2
million to do the work.
Take from that total the 15.8
million people who work for state and city
Governments.. And that
leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given
time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.
Leaving
1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people
in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the
work.
You and me.
And there
you are,
Sitting on your ***,
At your computer, reading jokes..
Nice. Real nice.
million are retired.
That leaves 140 million to do the
work.
There are 85 million in school.
Which leaves 55 million to do the work.
Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal
government.
Leaving 20 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied
with killing Osama
Bin-Laden.
Which leaves 17.2
million to do the work.
Take from that total the 15.8
million people who work for state and city
Governments.. And that
leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given
time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.
Leaving
1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people
in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the
work.
You and me.
And there
you are,
Sitting on your ***,
At your computer, reading jokes..
Nice. Real nice.
Last edited by Adams' Apple; 03-20-2010 at 10:19 PM.
#122
03-20-2010, 11:34 PM
The preacher's ***
THE PREACHER'S ***
A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third!
The next day the local paper carried this headline: PREACHER'S *** SHOWS. The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The paper read: PREACHER'S *** OUT IN FRONT. The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ***.
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read: NUN HAS BEST *** IN TOWN. The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00.
The next day the headline read: NUN SELLS *** FOR $10.00. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains, and let it go.
Next day, the headline in the paper read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER *** IS WILD AND FREE.
.
A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third!
The next day the local paper carried this headline: PREACHER'S *** SHOWS. The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The paper read: PREACHER'S *** OUT IN FRONT. The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ***.
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read: NUN HAS BEST *** IN TOWN. The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00.
The next day the headline read: NUN SELLS *** FOR $10.00. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains, and let it go.
Next day, the headline in the paper read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER *** IS WILD AND FREE.
.
#123
03-23-2010, 10:16 PM
Wonder how the IRS is gonna collect the "fines" for not having health insurance under the Obama-care plan?
Wonder no more...
A father walks into a restaurant with his young son.. He gives the young
boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied..
Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father
realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the
back. The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at
his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business
suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of
coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup
down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up
from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the
boy's ********* and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then
ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and
coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free
hand. Releasing the boy's *********, the woman hands the nickel to the
father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father
rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen
anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"
'No,' the woman replied. 'I work for the I.R.S.'
Wonder no more...
A father walks into a restaurant with his young son.. He gives the young
boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied..
Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father
realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the
back. The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at
his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business
suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of
coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup
down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up
from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the
boy's ********* and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then
ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and
coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free
hand. Releasing the boy's *********, the woman hands the nickel to the
father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father
rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen
anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"
'No,' the woman replied. 'I work for the I.R.S.'
#124
03-24-2010, 10:29 PM
"The car won't start," said a wife to her husband. "I think there's water in the carburetor."
"How do you know?" said the husband scornfully. "You don't even know what the f-ing carburetor is."
"I'm telling you," repeated the wife, "I'm sure there's water in the carburetor."
"We'll see," mocked the husband. "Let me check it out. Where's the car?"
"In the f-ing swimming pool."
"How do you know?" said the husband scornfully. "You don't even know what the f-ing carburetor is."
"I'm telling you," repeated the wife, "I'm sure there's water in the carburetor."
"We'll see," mocked the husband. "Let me check it out. Where's the car?"
"In the f-ing swimming pool."
#125
03-25-2010, 10:53 AM
"The car won't start," said a wife to her husband. "I think there's water in the carburetor."
"How do you know?" said the husband scornfully. "You don't even know what the f-ing carburetor is."
"I'm telling you," repeated the wife, "I'm sure there's water in the carburetor."
"We'll see," mocked the husband. "Let me check it out. Where's the car?"
"In the f-ing swimming pool."
"How do you know?" said the husband scornfully. "You don't even know what the f-ing carburetor is."
"I'm telling you," repeated the wife, "I'm sure there's water in the carburetor."
"We'll see," mocked the husband. "Let me check it out. Where's the car?"
"In the f-ing swimming pool."
predictable but still funny ...
reminds me of the commercial where the boy is standing on the doorway yelling for his mom and she yells back for him to come over to her and talk normal .. which he does, walking across the house, to inform her that his shoes are really muddy, leaving mud foot prints across the floors.
.
#126
03-31-2010, 07:20 AM
The Zen of Sarcasm
1 . Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone .
2 . It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
3. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
4.. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
6. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.
9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and
drink beer all day.
10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment.
11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
12. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.
13. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
14. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket .
15. A closed mouth gathers no foot .
16. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
19. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
20. Never, under any circ umstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
1 . Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone .
2 . It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
3. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
4.. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
6. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.
9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and
drink beer all day.
10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment.
11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
12. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.
13. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
14. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket .
15. A closed mouth gathers no foot .
16. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
19. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
20. Never, under any circ umstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Last edited by Adams' Apple; 03-31-2010 at 07:25 AM.
#127
04-06-2010, 10:01 PM
Stimulus Money Tips
Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment.
This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:
Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q.. Where will the government get this money ?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?
A. Only a smidgen of it.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up.
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.S. economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:
* If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China or Sri Lanka .
* If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.
* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India , Taiwan or China .
* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala ..
* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea .
* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .
* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.
Instead, keep the money in America by:
1) Spending it at yard sales, or
2) Going to ball games, or
3) Spending it on prostitutes, or
4) Beer or
5) Tattoos.
(These are the only American businesses still operating in the U.S. )
Conclusion:
Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day !
No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help.
This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:
Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q.. Where will the government get this money ?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?
A. Only a smidgen of it.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up.
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.S. economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:
* If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China or Sri Lanka .
* If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.
* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India , Taiwan or China .
* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala ..
* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea .
* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .
* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.
Instead, keep the money in America by:
1) Spending it at yard sales, or
2) Going to ball games, or
3) Spending it on prostitutes, or
4) Beer or
5) Tattoos.
(These are the only American businesses still operating in the U.S. )
Conclusion:
Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day !
No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help.
#128
04-07-2010, 06:47 AM
garage sales
Q: how you decide what to sell at a garage sale?
A: the basic philosphy behind garage sales is that, if you can't possibly give something away, for sure you can sell it.
ditto for ebay !
----------------
.
A: the basic philosphy behind garage sales is that, if you can't possibly give something away, for sure you can sell it.
ditto for ebay !
----------------
.
Drunken Sailor Protests
#130
07-10-2010, 05:55 PM
Dear Employees:
As the CEO of this organization, I have resigned myself to the fact
that Barrack Obama is our President and that our taxes and government
fees will increase in a BIG way.
To compensate for these increases, our prices would have to increase
by about 10%. But since we cannot increase our prices right now due to
the dismal state of the economy, we will have to lay off sixty of our
employees instead.
This has really been bothering me since I believe we are family here
and I didn't know how to choose who would have to go.
So, this is what I did. I walked through our parking lots and found
sixty 'Obama' bumper stickers on our employees' cars and have decided
these folks will be the ones to let go. I can't think of a more fair
way to approach this problem. They voted for change...... I gave it to
them.
I will see the rest of you at the annual picnic.
THE BOSS
As the CEO of this organization, I have resigned myself to the fact
that Barrack Obama is our President and that our taxes and government
fees will increase in a BIG way.
To compensate for these increases, our prices would have to increase
by about 10%. But since we cannot increase our prices right now due to
the dismal state of the economy, we will have to lay off sixty of our
employees instead.
This has really been bothering me since I believe we are family here
and I didn't know how to choose who would have to go.
So, this is what I did. I walked through our parking lots and found
sixty 'Obama' bumper stickers on our employees' cars and have decided
these folks will be the ones to let go. I can't think of a more fair
way to approach this problem. They voted for change...... I gave it to
them.
I will see the rest of you at the annual picnic.
THE BOSS