A new pastor was visiting the homes of his new parishioners.

At one house it Seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came tohis repeated Knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote: "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offerings were processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned.
Added to his card the parishioner had written: "Genesis3:10."

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in laughter.

Revelation 3:20
"Behold, I stand at the door and knock."

Genesis 3:10
"I heard Your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked."





.

 

When Dan found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly Father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So, one evening, he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars." Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and a week later, she became his stepmother.

 

Life and sex after death

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would
come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their
biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.
After a long life together, the husband was the first
to die. True to his word he made contact, "Connie....Connie. "
"Is that you, Joe?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have
breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex
again, bathe in the warm sun, and then have sex a couple
of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens)
another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have
sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back
to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night.
I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts
all over again."
"Oh, Joe you surely must be in Heaven!"
"Not exactly... I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Denver.

 

Okay, how do you get a nun pregnant?

 

The Maid asked for a raise:

The Madam was very upset about this and asked: "Now Maria, why do you
want an increase?"

MARIA: "WELL MADAM, THERE ARE THREE REASONS WHY I WANT AN INCREASE.
THE FIRST IS THAT I IRON BETTER THAN YOU."

Madam: "Who said you iron better than me?"

MARIA: "THE MASTER SAID SO."

Madam: "Oh."

MARIA: "THE SECOND REASON IS THAT I AM A BETTER COOK THAN YOU."

Madam: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than I?"

MARIA: "THE MASTER DID."

Madam: "Oh."

MARIA: "MY THIRD and BEST REASON IS THAT I AM A BETTER LOVER THAN YOU."

Madam (very upset now): "Did the Master say so as well?"

Maria: "OH No Madam, the gardener told me that."

SHE GOT THE PAY RAISE..!

 

I give up .. how?



=============

A bus full of Nuns is along a dangerous mountain road and its brakes give out around a particularly tight corner and crashes down into a ravine where it explodes, all of the Nuns are incinerated instantly.

The Nuns arrive at the exclusive Nuns entrance to Heaven (kinda like a VIP entrance to a rock concert but more cloud-like) where they meet Saint Peter who is standing next to a font which is filled with Holy Water.

Saint Peter greets the Nuns and asks the first one in line, "Is any aspect of you impure in some way?"

The first Nun replies, "Well... I did once see a man's *****..."

Saint Peter tells her not to worry as the Holy Water will purify her vision, he then splashes some of the Holy Water onto her eyes and allows her into heaven.

He asks the second Nun the same thing who replies "I did once... touch a man's *****." Saint Peter then purifies her vision and dips her hands in the Holy Water to purify her touch and then allows her into Heaven.

Saint Peter is then about to ask the third Nun the question when the Nun at the back charges through the line to the front looking very exasperated.

Saint Peter quickly asks, "What is the matter sister?"

the Nun replies "Nothing's wrong I just want to gargle with it before Sister Susan dips her **** in it"

 

3 fiends were getting married in the same hotel on the same day, and at the end of the night, they met up to discuss the day's events over a couple of beers.

One asks the other two: "Listen, it's our wedding night and I was wondering -- how many times are we expected to... um... you know... do it?"

Eventually, they decide to retire to their respective wives and plan to meet up the following morning over breakfast to discuss what went on.

Suddenly, one of the grooms pipes up, "Hold on lads, we can't discuss our first night's marital goings on over the breakfast table with our new wives sitting with us."

"You're right. What we'll do then, is make every piece of toast we order with our breakfast represent the amount of times we did it," offers another groom.

They all decide that it's an excellent idea and depart.

The next day in the hotel dining room, the grooms are all looking a bit dishevelled, but that's nothing compared to the brides, who can barely stagger across the room.

The first groom places his order with the waitress: "Hello, I'll have the full English breakfast with three pieces of toast please."

The other two grooms smile at him and raise a glass of fresh orange juice in a toast to his fantastic prowess.

The waitress moves to the second couple and the groom orders, "I too shall have the full English breakfast, but could I have four pieces of toast?"

The waitress gets to the last groom. "I shall also have the full English breakfast please, yet I shall have..." he takes a deep breath, "seven, yes, seven pieces of toast," he calls for everyone's benefit, while flashing a big grin to his two wedding mates, who stare at him in disbelief.


She writes down his order and turns away, but before she can leave, the groom calls after her again and says, "And by the way, can you make two of those brown?"

 

O.J. Simpson will go down in history as one of the most versatile players in history....,

He entered the NFL as a running back...,
He'll enter prison as a tight end...,
and will leave prison as a wide receiver!!

 

Two baseball fans who went to ball games every year since childhood. One day while drinking they wondered if there was baseball in heaven. They made a pact the first who died would come back and let the other know if there was baseball in heaven. Six months later one dies. The other still goes to ball games missing his friend and wondering if there is baseball in heaven. Seasons come and go and still he wonders is there baseball in heaven? Then one night his friend comes to him and tells him: I got good news and bad news. The good news there is baseball in heaven! The bad news is "YOUR PITCHING FRIDAY"

 

Dress her up as an alter boy...............