1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio , TX

2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarction. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg , Manitoba , Canada

4. During a patient's 2-week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me (his doctor) that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over 50 patches on his body!
The instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one!

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered, "Why, not for about 20 years ---when my husband was alive."

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis , OR

6. I was caring for a woman and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , MI

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass."
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."

Submitted by RN, no name


8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB , I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment, I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener."

Doctor wouldn't submit his name.

 

A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

"Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

"Can you hear me NOW?"

"You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married."

"Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

"Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

"If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!"

"Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

"You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"

"Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?"