A young cowboy from Wyoming goes off to college. Half way through the
semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money.

He calls home. "Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern
education is developing! They actually have a program here in Laramie
that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!"

"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says. "I'll get
him in the course."

So, his father sends the dog and $2,000.

About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs
out. The boy calls home.

"So how's Ol' Blue doing son?" his father asks.

" Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't
believe this - they've had such good results they have invited hi to join the
learn to read program!"

"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"

"Just send $6,500, I'll get him in the class."

The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of
the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read.
What should he do, he wonders. He shoots the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all
excited. "Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read
something and talk!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just
before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked
back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually
does. Then he turned to me and asked, "So, is your daddy still
messing' around with that cute redhead in town?"

The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that SOB before he
talks to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

The kid went on to be a successful lawyer


.

 

My wife and I went to the Pretoria Agricultural show and one of the first exhibits
we stopped at was the breeding bulls.

We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,
'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR.'
My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs, smiled and said,
'He mated 50 times last year.'

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR.'
My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW, that's more than twice a week!
You could learn a lot from him.'

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters,
'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR.'
My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs,
and said, 'You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

I looked at her and said, 'Go over and ask them if it was with the same old cow.'

Doctor said I'm lucky, only 4 broken ribs.
Wife got off easy, only 10 days behind bars.

 

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well.

However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch. He was worried that it might be a surgery that the doctors hadn't told him about.

He finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his ********'s pubic hair were two wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off without ripping out the skin hairs.

Written in large letters was the sentence:
'Get well soon trooper .. from the nurse in the Red Cadillac that you pulled over and ticketed last week.'



.


.

 

To be 6 again


A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing
his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was
not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.

'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the
mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big
bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What
a day!

He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide,
the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller
Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.
Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal
with extra fries and a chocolate
shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and
her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed
exhausted. He leaned over his wife
with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear,
what was it like being six again?'

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly
changed. 'I meant my dress size!!'

The moral of the story: It matters not that a man is listening,
he is gonna get it wrong anyways.




.


.

 

Larry gets home late one night and, Linda , his wife says, "Where in the hell have you been?"

Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."

"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

'I got a hundred dollar bill tattooed on my privates,' he said proudly.

'What the hell were you thinking? She said, shaking her head in disgust.
'Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?'

Well,

one, I like to watch my money grow.

Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.

Three, I like how money feels in my hand.

And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want..



.

 

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.


He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.


Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled
him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act
she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she
now considered her to be mentally stable.


When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and
bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able
to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of
the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound
mindedness.


The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe
belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'


Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.

 

heh

 

At a recent elementary school assembly, a gun control activist asked the kids for total quiet.
Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands once every few seconds, holding the audience in total silence.

Then he said into the microphone, 'Children, every time I clap my hands together, a child in America dies from gun violence.'

Then, little Ricky, pierced the quiet and said: ''Well, d u m b a s s, stop clapping!'



.

 

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000.00.

It happened again the next week, so the following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate.

This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.

"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000.00 a week in the collection plate," he stated.

She replied, "Why yes. Every week my son sends me money and I give some of it to the church."

The pastor replied, "That's wonderful, but $1000.00 is a lot of money. Are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?"

The elderly woman answered, "He sends me $10,000.00 a week."

The pastor was amazed and said, "Wow, your son must be very successful. What does he do for a living?"

"He is a veterinarian," she answered.

"That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"

The woman answered proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses - one in Las Vegas, and one in Reno."

 

Stomper, you're on a roll.