Elements of an Effective Suicide

If life no longer has sweetness for you and you would like your final breath to be breathed in an air of beauty and purpose, we can help.


A well-considered suicide is not a sloppy, repellent affair, but a piece of performance art, a tribute to what was and what could have been. The elements include:


* An appropriate location. The right place for a suicide is private, calm, and of meaning to the intended. There should be no significant chance of premature discovery and no need to rush.

* A well-thought-out, hand-written suicide note, suitable for publication.

* No trace of malice or vengeance. Make your suicide about you, not about those who brought you to this place. Don't leave this world with angry words on your lips.

* A method that requires no unnecessary effort or pain, fits the personality of the suicide, and does not endanger others. It should not create a more difficult cleanup than necessary. Those angry suicides who wish to use shotguns or dramatically throw themselves in front of buses should look elsewhere.

* Optimal opportunity for a poetic and heart-wrenching discovery.

* An attractive corpse. This means appropriate dress for the occasion, no significant disfigurement, and an eye-pleasing final position. Lighting and setting should also be arranged to optimize the tableau.

* A complete professional-quality photographic record, after the fact.




FAQ

Isn't this service immoral? We do not consider helping someone find peace and beauty in their last moments to be immoral. We also take steps to make the loss easier on the deceased's friends, loved ones, and other survivors, and we consider this to be a great good.

How do you know if someone really wants to commit suicide? We are not trained psychologists and do not second guess the decisions of our valued customers.

How can you take money from someone who is not in their right mind? We will not accept anyone who appears not to be in their right mind as a client. We also will not allow a client to perform their suicide while under the influence of alcohol, drugs, sleep depravation, or any other outside agent that, in our judgment, would cloud their thinking.

Doesn't committing suicide hurt? It doesn't have to. Even deaths involving cutting can be made painless. Because someone dying in pain will not usually leave an attractive corpse, we have a variety of resources to help you make your death as easy and pleasant as possible.

Will you help me commit suicide? We will help you arrange suicide and learn how to do it artfully, but the actual act is up to do. We do not offer or consult on physician-assisted suicides.

Do you ever reject a client? Yes. Almost 50% of potential clients do not make it through our application and screening process. Applicants are rejected if they seem to lack conviction, are under age, have not been referred through proper channels, insist on services we do not provide, are not willing to follow our safety and decorum guidelines, or have insufficient funds (among other reasons).

What kinds of suicides are outside your guidelines? We will not participate in suicides that put others at risk (such as standing in front of a train), may be seen being committed (such as jumping off a ledge), involve another individual (such as physician-assisted suicide), or cannot be reasonably guaranteed to leave an attractive corpse (such as drowning at sea). Some borderline suicide methods can be made to meet our guidelines with careful planning (gunshots, automobile exhaust asphyxiation, hanging, etc.) We also will not participate in political or publicity suicides, or suicide attempts that are not intended to succeed.

Are your services confidential? We will not consult with anyone other than the client during preparation for a suicide. We fully cooperate with authorities after the fact, but will not discuss our client with the press or bereaved friends or relatives.

What if someone changes their mind and decides not to kill themselves? This is a frequent occurrence. Should a client decide that they would like to give life another chance, we celebrate with them by offering a 20% discount on services already rendered. After the second "false start," we will not accept the individual as a client again.

Will you accept life insurance or a bequest as payment? No. All services must be prepaid -- it is far too easy for other arrangements to be challenged in a court of law. Also, most life insurance policies will not pay benefits for suicide.

All the pictures on your site are of women. Do you only have female clients? No. We are happy to assist men and mixed-gender couples. However, the vast majority of people who request our services are female.

Can I be an a client if I'm not pretty or young? Even if you do not consider yourself pretty, we will make your death beautiful. Age is not an issue. What if I don't want my death to be a big production? We can help you put your affairs in order and have a quiet, dignified death in your sleep if that is what you wish.

Will you help arrange mass suicides? No. If more than two people are involved in a suicide, there is a greatly increased risk that some members of the group are killing themselves under pressure.

Will you assist in ritual suicides? We have on staff experts in the traditional suicide practices of more than 40 cultures, including most Asian cultures, and are happy to incorporate traditional practices into your suicide so long as those practices do not violate our policies.

Can a loved one witness my suicide? We will not help arrange a suicide in which there are witnesses. If you have a friend or loved one who wants to watch you end your life, it is our belief that you need to reconsider either your reasons for dying or your relationship with that person.

Can I have a loved one assist with my suicide preparations? No. As with the previous question, your suicide arrangements are between you and our counselors and personnel. It is nobody else's business until after the fact.

Do you have a place where I can commit suicide? Suicides may not be committed in our offices or on our property. We will help you find a suitable location.

Do you sell gift certificates? We consider requests for gift certificates to be in poor taste.

Can one offer to pay for a don to go? We consider requests to terminate dons to be entertaiment and will do at no cost.