Saying goodbye is not allowed. I for one am very passionate about my beans. I will eat them before every poker game, and when I feel someone has the edge, I will make that person very uncomfortable by gassing and wiffing towards the opponent.
Saying I won't post anymore is not allowed.
Rehashed jokes can evoke memories and those jokes can then be passed on to the younger neices and nephews. Keep em comming.

 

hey, we may go camping this weekend .. and if we do, i assure you, that while grilling marshmallows, there will be a competition of body noises, farts to be just one of such. There are extra points for the scent factor!

we used to do competitions of who could pee the farthest, but some political correctness people got into the rules and it aint allowed anymore .. dang .. i hate that .. three kinds of people should never take kids camping: ministers/priests, mothers of little kids, executives. For some awful bad reason, they think they know better and spend the whole time "trying" to control everything. I should mention that mothers of grown kids seem to have learned to chill a lot.

 

A mother and her 6 year old son were flying AA from Los Angeles to Chicago.

The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, do big planes have baby planes?"

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess so the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, do big planes have baby planes?"

The stewardess feeling being put on the spot, responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"

The boy admitted that this was the case. "Well, then, there are no baby planes because AA always pulls out on time. Your mother can explain that part to you."


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Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day.

During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it.

After an extremely hard landing, severely bouncing the plane on the asphalt, the Flight Attendant said:
"Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while Captain Kangaroo taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline."

He did that, in light of his bad landing, but he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.

Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane.She said: "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?"

"Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?".

The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"





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Bill, my dad taught me a "neat trick" (dirty) to play on on the brass bands that played outdoor concerts at Golden Gate Park every weekend. Seems if you sit in the front row, cut a lemon in half and "suck" on it with the usual facial expressions all the Brass players will "lose their lips" and it's amazing what comes out!
AH, burlesque! Don't know if you have ever heard of "The Old Howard" in Boston. Ask any sailor who served in The Civil War, WW1 or WW2.
Anyway, when it was torn down in the fifties to make room for the new government center my next door neighbor who worked in the area saw the original dated cornerstone lying in a heap of rubble curbside, and asked one of the workmen what was going to be done with it. "Thrown away" (didn't happen, it is now the conversation piece in town and adorns the entrance to his flower garden.

 

OK, ...some good and some bad, but all definately, " old."
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.But here's an example of what I was speaking about. ..This was sent to ,me today by (carnut) and I think he should have posted it here.
.
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.I was walking past the Mental Hospital the other day and all the patients were shouting "13....13.....13"
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.The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on......Some creep poked me in the eye with a stick.....They all started shouting ..."14.....14....14"
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A Girl's Best Friend

Bill meets Doug shopping at the mall and sees he has a small gift-wrapped box in his hand. "It's my wife's birthday tomorrow."

Doug said. "Last week I asked her what she wanted for her birthday."

"And?" Bill asked.

"Well, she said, 'Oh, I don't know, just give me something with diamonds on it'."

"So what did you end up getting her?" asked Bill.

"I bought her a deck of cards!"




....

 

For his birthday a little boy asked for a 10-speed bike. "Son, we'd give you one," the father said, "but the mortage on this house is $280,000, and your mother just lost he job. There's no way we can afford it in our current situation."

The next day the father saw the little boy heading out the front door with a suitcase, so he said, "Son, where are you going?"

"Well," the boy said "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out.

Then I heard mom tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage and no bike."




.

 

The following questions were set in last year's GCSE examinations

Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes pollutants.

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to
flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature
abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs

Q. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow

Q. How are the main parts of the body categorised (eg the abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the
abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the
heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the bowels.

Q. What is the fibula
A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent by wearing a condominium

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure
A. A Roman Emperor

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight

Q: write a essay
A: Mae'r e-bost hwn (ac unrhyw atodiadau) yn gyfrinachol a gall gynnwys barn
bersonol nad yw'n farn Ymddiriedolaeth GIG Gofal Iechyd Gwent oni bai fod
hynny wedi ei ddatgan yn benodol Os ydych chi wedi ei dderbyn trwy
gamgymeriad, dilewch o'ch system, peidiwch a defnyddio, copio na datgelu'r
wybodaeth mewn unrhyw fodd. Hysbyswch y sawl a'i anfonodd am y camgymeriad
hwn ar unwaith os gwelwch yn dda.




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Evolution of Mother

Yes, parenthood changes everything. But parenthood also changes with each baby. Here, some of the ways having a second and third child differs from having your first:

Your Clothes -

1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.

2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.

3rd baby: Your maternity clothes are your regular clothes.

The Baby's Name -

1st baby: You pore over baby-name books and practice pronouncing and writing combinations of all your favorites.

2nd baby: Someone has to name their kid after your great-aunt Mavis, right? It might as well be you.

3rd baby: You open a name book, close your eyes, and see where your finger falls. Bimaldo? Perfect!

Preparing for the Birth -

1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.

2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.

3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.

The Layette -

1st baby: You prewash your newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.

2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.

3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?

Worries -

1st baby: At the first sign of distress - a whimper, a frown - you pick up the baby.

2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.

3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.

Activities -

1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.

2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.

3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.

Going Out -

1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home 5 times.

2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.

3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

At Home -

1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.

2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.

3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.


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A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice, and generally making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride.

While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their feelings toward her demanding ways.

At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head no, and mumble a reply.

Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.

The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would then ask, 'Can I borrow that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'"