A pretty young lady had a passion for baked beans, even though they had a very
'unlady' like effect on her. One day she met a great guy and hoped that they might
marry some day, but felt he would never put up with her 'bean fits'.

So she decided to make a big sacrifice and give up the beans. They dated for a couple of years, then got married.

One day, on her way home from work her car broke down, and since it was a nice day, and they lived in the country she decided to just walk home. She called her husband and told
him what happened, and that she would be late getting home.

On her way home she passed a small diner and just couldn't resist the smell of baked beans coming out the window. Since she still had several miles to walk, she figured she could
have some and still be able to walk off any ill effects before getting home. Before she
knew it she had consumed three plates of beans. She left the diner and began to ' putt-
putt ' all the way home. When she got home her husband seemed really excited to see her
and told her " Honey I have a surprise for you for dinner tonight".

He then blindfolded her and sat her down at the dinner table. A few minutes later as he was getting ready to remove the blindfold, the phone rang. He asked her to promise not to remove the blindfold until he returned, and she agreed. He then walked into the kitchen to answer
the phone. Suddenly she felt the baked beans start 'working' again and the pain was
getting unbearable. With her husband in the other room she figured she could lean to the side and try the ol 'one cheek sneak' , but it didn't work. Not only was it loud, but it smelled like
a skunk got run over by a garbage truck behind a pulpwood mill.She grabbed her napkin that was on her lap and began 'fanning the air' with it. With the pressure still building, she
leaned to the other cheek and 'ripped' three more that smelled like rotten cabbage.

Keeping an ear on the conversation in the other room, she continued to lean from side to side
letting them rip for a few more minutes. When the phone farewells signaled the end of the
call, she 'fanned the air' a few more times with her napkin, then placed it back in her lap
smiling contently to herself. She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned.
He apologized for taking so long and asked her if she had peeked and she told him that she
had not.

At this point he removed the blindfold and yelled "Surprise". And boy was she surprised.


There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table waiting to wish her a "Happy Birthday".

 

You know, .... I could "smell" this coming the whole way. I think it's time to throw in a "Quality" requirement in this category.
Also a "dated" stipulation should also be in order! (I don't mind a joke I've recently heard butany "ten years old?".)......Come on!!
(I guess I'm feeling "grouchy" this morning.)

 

Does ole fart ring a bell?

 

cabin fever ?

0 Fahrenheit (10 C)
New Yorkers try to turn on the heat.
Canadians plant gardens.



40 Fahrenheit (4.4 C)
Californians shiver uncontrollably
Canadians Sunbathe.


35 Fahrenheit (1.6 C)
Italian Cars won't start
Canadians drive with the windows down


32 Fahrenheit (0 C)
Distilled water freezes
Canadian water gets thicker.


0 Fahrenheit (-17.9 C)
New York City landlords finally turn on the heat.
Canadians have the last cookout of the season.


-40 Fahrenheit (-40 C)
Hollywood disintegrates.
Canadians rent some videos.


-60 Fahrenheit (-51 C)
Mt. St. Helen's freezes.
Canadian Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door.


-100 Fahrenheit (-73 C)
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole
Canadians pull down their earflaps.


-173 Fahrenheit (-114 C)
Ethyl alcohol freezes.
Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.


-459.4 Fahrenheit (-273 C)
Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops.
Canadians start saying "cold, eh? "


-500 Fahrenheit (-295 C)
Hell freezes over.
The Leafs win the Cup

 

Now see there! It is still possible!

 

ok .. you made me wonder ..


"The franchise has won thirteen Stanley Cups, eleven as the Leafs, one as the Toronto St. Patricks, and one as the Toronto Arenas. Valued at $413 million (2007), the Leafs are the most valuable team in the NHL, followed by the New York Rangers and the Detroit Red Wings."


===========


A hockey coach walked into the locker room before a big game, looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we really need you in there. So, what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play."

The player agreed, so the coach looked into his eyes intently and asked "Okay, now concentrate hard and tell me the answer to this: What is two plus two?" The player thought for a moment and then answered, "4?" "Did you say 4?!" the coach exclaimed, excited that he had given the right answer.

Suddenly, all the other players on the team began screaming, "Come on coach, give him another chance!"


===================


Bobby Orr walks into an ice cream parlor.

With some discomfort, he slides onto a stool and orders a banana spit.

The waitress asks, "Crushed nuts?"

He replies, "No, bad knees."


........

 

Hummmm, it seems that some people didn't care for my old farts jokes. No problem, I won't post any more here . Goodbye... But, Stompers thread said Dumb jokes, NOT Quality jokes...

 

Please don't "give up" account of one "stupid" remark. It isn't "that easy" and that's why the first statement "I'm gunna try."
What I believe we are looking for on this thread and it's darn commendable, are those jokes that when read, you just can't wait to "pass them on!"
Johhny Carson once remarked, a really good joke is the most difficult thing in the world to come up with. Especially now with the internet. At one time a joke told in a comedy club could be used for many performances before he found people in different parts of the country laughing at some of his stories before "the punch line."
He finally found the "culprits" and disliked airline crews for years, both Flight Attendents, and pilots for making his job harder. He finally found out how a story told on Monday in L. A. was all over the mid-west and east coast by Tuesday morning.
Now with the inter-net, and television, "forget it."
The "gems" are still "out there" David Letterman and Jay Leno continually come out with them, but it really is costing them. Years ago "Saturday Night Live" could be counted on for some "gems.." Today, it can't be done.
But "come on," every once in a while, you get "caught" and a smile pops up when you hear something really "clever." Please post it here!

 

Zin
Brings back memories of the Park Burlesque theater in Y-Town around 1964 when we got in underage and sat thru the first set and heard the punch lines and sat thru the second set (obviously we were fans of comedy) and yelled the punch lines before the comics could. Pissed off comedians ouch! The other entertainment so so good I think we stayed for both full shows!

 

Jerry,

zinzin ( hyperion ) is fine .. that is part of the game intended .. we goes back to the OLDDDDDD days .. he rolls with it like the best and often brings fun to the topic .. let it rip some more .. also try some C-nile jokes or airline pilot jokes .

now, for a naughty but under the wire joke ...


=================


There were these twin sisters just turning one hundred years old in St. Nursing Home and the editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take the pictures of these 100 year old twin biddies.
One of the twins was hard of hearing but the other could hear quite well.

The photographer asked them to sit on the sofa.

The deaf one said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!", said the other.

"Now get a little closer together", said the cameraman.

Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE".
So, they wiggled up close to each other.

"Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the photographer.

Yet again - "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOC..US!"

With a big grin the deaf twin whispered out,
"OH MY GOD - BOTH OF US?