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Joke of day ...

  #11  
Old 04-28-2008, 01:02 AM
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Default RE: Joke of day ... office joke

An office manager arrives at his department and sees an employee sitting behind his desk, totally stressed out.

He gives him the advice: "I went home every afternoon for two weeks and had myself pampered by my wife. It was fantastic, and it really helped; you should try it too!".

Two weeks later, when the manager arrives at his department, he sees the man happy and full of energy at his desk.

The faxes are piling up, and the computer is running at full speed. "I see you followed my advice".

"I did", answers the employee. "It was great! By the way you have such a nice house!".




 
  #12  
Old 04-28-2008, 07:27 PM
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Default RE: Joke of day ... office joke



The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University .

Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake. The average person over 30 years of age cannot do it!




1. This is this cat.
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4. This is to cat.
5. This is keep cat.
6. This is an cat.
7. This is old cat.
8. This is fart cat.
9. This is busy cat.
10. This is for cat.
11. This is forty cat.
12. This is seconds cat.

Now go back and read the third word in each line ! from the top down...









 
  #13  
Old 04-29-2008, 01:58 AM
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Default RE: Joke of day ... TARZAN

As Tarzan grew up in the jungle, he observed many of the animals getting together during " mating season" and wondered what it was like, so , one day, he SWUNG into the nearest town and wandered around till he found a brothel. He went in and asked the Madam if he could "mate" with one of her girls. The Madam asked him if he had ever done this before and he replied " NO." She told him to go back to the jungle and find a tree with a hole in it and to practice until he thought he was ready. A few weeks later Tarzan returned to the brothel and spoke to the Madam again . She figured that since he must have been 'practicing' for 3 weeks he was ready and took him up to the room of a very shapely young girl. About a minute later the Madam heard the young girl screaming wildly like she was in pain and ran up to the room to find Tarzan poking her wildly between the legs with a broomstick , and yelled out " Tarzan what are you doing?" He replied " CHECKING FOR BEES ".
 
  #14  
Old 04-29-2008, 08:36 AM
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Default RE: Joke of day ...

The head Nun of the convent called all 100 Nuns into the foyer for an emergency meeting.

"Last night," She started "I found something terrible in one of the sisters rooms."
99 Nuns "Oh no"
1 Nun "He, he"

"A condom!" said the head Nun.
99 Nuns "Oh no"
1 Nun "He, he"

Head Nun "And it was used!"
99 Nuns "Oh no"
1 Nun "He, he"

Head Nun "And it had a hole in it!"
1 Nun "Oh no"
99 Nuns "He, he"

.

 
  #15  
Old 04-30-2008, 01:58 AM
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Default RE: Joke of day ...confessions

A Jewish Rabbi moves into a new neighborhood, and happens to move next door to a
Catholic Priest. They become friends, and one day the Rabbi tells the Priest that he
doesn't really understand the Catholic religion, most notably the 'confessions'. The
Priest tells him to come to the Church some evening and he will get an idea of what
it is all about , and the Rabbi agrees.

A few days later the Rabbi goes to the church and squeezes in the the booth with
the Priest to hear confessions.
A young lady comes in and says " forgive me Father for I have sinned" , and the Priest
asked her what she had done. She replied that she had commited adultery 3 times
this month and asked the Priest what she should do. He replied that she go back out
and recite 10 Hail Mary's and 10 Our Father's , and put $5.00 in the collection plate.

A few minutes later another young lady comes in and says, ' forgive me Father for I
have sinned' , and he asked her what she had done. She replied that she had comitted
adultrey 3 times this month and asked the Priest what she should do. He replied that
she go back out and recite 10 Hail Mary's and 10 Our Father's and put $5.00 in the
collection plate.

A short time later an alter boy came to the booth to inform the Priest that he had a
very important phone call from the Bishop. The Priest asked the Rabbi if he would sit in
for him while he took the call and the Rabbi agreed.

A few minutes later a young lady came into the booth and said " please forgive me
Father for I have sinned" and the Rabbi asked her what she had done. She replied
that she had commited adultrey 2 times this month and asked what she should do.

The Rabbi replied, " You might as well go out and enjoy yourself 1 more time since
they're 3 for $5.00 this month...
 
  #16  
Old 04-30-2008, 08:37 AM
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Default RE: Joke of day ...confessions

Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?











.. down down some more ...
























almost there ....











.

A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering
.


.
 
  #17  
Old 05-02-2008, 10:25 AM
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Default RE: Joke of day ..."this, my boy is a latest Cadillac STS-V"

A man and his wife were driving through the country side coast to coast. Looking at his fuel gauge, he decided to stop at the next service station and fill up. About 15 minutes later, he spots a gas station and pulls over to the pump.

"What can I do for ya'll?" asks the attendant. "Fill 'her up," replies the driver. While the attendant is filling up the tank, he's looking the car up and down.

"What kind of car is this?" he asks. "I never seen one like it before." "Well," responds the driver, his chest swelling up with pride, "this, my boy is a latest Cadillac STS-V"

"What all's it got in it?" asks the attendant.

"Well," says the driver, "it has everything. It's loaded with power steering, power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, Navigation system, DVD/CD/MP3/AM/FM with 400 watts per channel, 18 speaker stereo, rack and pinion steering, disk brakes all around, leather interior, digital instrument package, and best of all, a Super charged V8 engine with like 500 hp."

"Wow," says the attendant, "that's really something!"

"How much do I owe you for the gasoline?" asks the driver.

"That'll be $80.17," says the attendant. The driver pulls out his money clip and peels off four $20 bills. He goes into his other pocket and pulls out a handful of change. Mixed up with the change are a few golf tees.

"What are those little wooden things?" asks the attendant.

"That's what I put my ***** on when I drive," says the motorist.

"Wow," says the attendant, "those Cadillac people think of everything!"



.

 
  #18  
Old 05-03-2008, 12:49 AM
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Default RE: Joke of day ...



A lady in her late 40's went to a plastic surgeon for a face lift.
The doctor told her of a new procedure called "The dial" where a
small dial is planted on the back of the head and can be turned to
tighten up the skin to produce the effect of a facelift when things
get droppy.

Of course, the woman wanted The dial, had the surgery and all
was well.

Fifteen years later the woman went back to the surgeon. "All these
years everything had been working just fine.", she started, "I've
had to turn the dial on lots of occasions and I've loved the results.
But I seemed to have developed two annoying problems with my
face." "Go on" the doctor said. "First of all", she continued, "I've
got these terrible bags under my eyes and the dial won't get rid of
them."

The doctor looked at her and said, "I'm afraid those aren't bags,
those are your breasts."

She replied, "Ah, I guess that explains the goatee as well."



 
  #19  
Old 05-04-2008, 09:42 AM
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Default RE: Joke of day ... A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were all given a red rubber ball and told to find the volume.

The mathematician went and fetched his calipers and carefully measured the diameter and evaluated a triple integral.

The physicist filled a beaker with water, put the ball in the water, and measured the total displacement and looked up the volume in the volume tables.

The engineer read the markings on the ball and typed it into Google finding the model statistics rubber-*****.











 
  #20  
Old 05-05-2008, 06:27 PM
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Default RE: Joke of day ... psychology


A
very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar.

After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "NO! I won't sleep with you!"


Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, with many eyes following her, the woman walks over to him and whispers an apology. She smiles at him and whispers, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology, and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

He looks around and notices that people are still looking at them. He responds, at the top of his lungs, "What makes you think you are worth $500?"





 

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